


Goddess' First Steps

by dr_sturgeonman



Series: Gambling Deity [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Crack Treated Seriously, Female Uzumaki Naruto, Fluff and Crack, Gambling, Genderbend, Growing Up, Konoha is shit and you can fight me on that., Medic Naruto, Naruto has a bloodline, Naruto is Kaguya, Naruto is adopted by Tsunade, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shizune is done with Tsunade's antics, several actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_sturgeonman/pseuds/dr_sturgeonman
Summary: Tsunade made the terrible, and slightly sober, decision to adopt a child she may or may not have kidnapped while drunk the night previous at a casino.Can the Slug Sannin raise a budding goddess?Will Naruto grow up well adjusted and fulfill her destiny?Will Shizune finally find love?Is Tonton the true evil mastermind behind the Akatsuki?!Find out more in the notes!
Relationships: Shizune & Tsunade (Naruto), Shizune & Uzumaki Naruto, Tsunade & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Gambling Deity [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940836
Comments: 139
Kudos: 308





	1. Early Days

**Author's Note:**

> So one of my favorite AU's for Naruto is that Tsunade becomes a total mom to the nine tailed Jinchuriki.
> 
> Another favorite AU is just genderbends in general, can't get enough of that good shit!
> 
> And then I read Baron Zed's fic "The Vulpine Rabbit" and I was hooked on this particular idea.
> 
> So now I'm trying my hand at this wacky AU that oddly enough lines up with my other fics about genderbent god tier power women. Hmmmmmm, me senses detect a trend.
> 
> Usual warnings and stuff about how I don't own the characters etc. Don't like don't read, blah blah blah! Let's get to it!

There was a list of things wrong with Tsunade’s morning.

  1. She had a headache.



  1. There was a baby crying.



  1. She was sweaty, smelled like a brewery, and felt gross overall.



  1. There was a baby crying.



  1. Why was there a baby?



Shooting into an upright position and swinging her head wildly to find the crying infant, this of course, aggravated her hangover headache. She found the source of the screaming thing in a wicker basket on the hotel desk. Briefly the slug Sannin looked around for Shizune to deal with the crotch goblin instead but came up empty. The traitor had left Tsunade alone to deal with one of the many things she disliked, right up there in the top ten along with ninja business, blood, and any and all spiders. Letting out a deep sigh before resigning herself to calm the infant alone, Tsunade stood up.

The babe quieted down almost immediately and looking up at Tsunade through moist pale baby blue eyes. A twinge of sympathy and concern rang through her cold black heart for the child she had essentially kidnapped.

The room's two occupants were now locked in an intense staring contest, giving Tsunade a good chance to observe the infant. The Sannin briefly had a panic attack at the thought of stealing an infant Hyuuga due to how similar their eyes were before thinking it through logically. While indeed the eyes seemed to be missing any visible pupils, they were not the pale lavender that was the quintessential Hyuga trait, instead the infant's eyes were indeed a pale baby blue. Short peach-fuzz blonde hair that had a silvery sheen to it, very much unlike the dark-haired Dōjutsu clan's. Perhaps the kid’s strangest features were the 3 whisker marks on each cheek. Then again, Tsunade had seen weirder. It was not uncommon to find ninja clans that practiced ritual scarring, even on infants, but these, thankfully, seemed to be birthmarks rather than anything intentional.

She let out a deep and defeated sigh as she picked up the baby to sit on the bed, gently rocking the child at an awkward pace while trying to ignore the very small elephant in the room.

“I don’t suppose you have a name?” She asked the baby as she settled in to wait for Shizune's return.

* * *

The hotel door opened with a creak and only through years of dealing with Tsunade's antics was Shizune able to dodge the projectile that came flying at her. The wall behind her had no such training.

“The Hell do you think you’re doing!?” The blonde shrieked. “Leaving me alone with an infant, much less letting me abduct said infant!”

The babies crying stopped the slug princess from continuing her tirade on how _irresponsible_ Shizune was being as she attempted to quiet the infant once more by rocking them back and forth. The child eventually began playing with Tsunade’s hair, a tiny fist grabbing one of her ponytails that was stupidly left within the infants reach, at least it kept them quiet at the moment.

“Where have you been?” Tsunade whispered aggressively, wincing when the child tugged particularly hard. Damn brat.

“Looking for the child’s parents.”

“And?”

“I couldn’t find them.” Her young apprentice replied, face twisting in concern.

“And why didn’t you take the brat?” Tsunade asked, thankful that the baby had let go of her hair finding something else to entertain themselves with, her necklace.

“I tried but you wouldn’t let me.” Shizune deadpanned, finding at least a modicum of twisted enjoyment as Tsunade, inventor of the Thousand Fists and feared throughout the Shinobi Nations, was losing to a small infant child in a game of tug-of-war.

“What?” Tsunade finally exclaimed after ripping the makeshift toy from the infants grasp, only to immediately give it back once the baby started to bawl.

“Tsunade-sama, I left five hours ago.” The young woman answered, “You wouldn’t let me take the child. You kept bawling about how it’s yours now and you're not letting anyone take them away. Something about how you bonded last night. I still don’t know where you found her.”

“Her?” The blonde asked dumbly. Hoisting the baby to get a better look at them, turning them around before deciding that Shizune was probably right, putting the infant into the crook of her arm before appraising Shizune once more. "Did you find anything?”

Shizune’s expression became hesitant as she spoke. “No. No one said they had seen a blonde-haired baby and no one claimed her either after I described her. And apparently, against all odds, you are the only blonde the hotel staff reported as checking in.”

Tsunade huffed before handing off the infant to Shizune. “Here.”

“Tsunade-sama, what are you doing?”

“Showering,” She said gruffly, “and then we’re gonna go find the brat's damn parents, beat some sense into them, and then book it before the collectors catch our scent.”

* * *

“Excuse me.”

“Pardon me but is this your-”

“OI! You with the shitty hair and the shittier face!”

“This isn’t working.” Shizune stated bluntly after the fiftieth person blew them off. The crowd of people giving a considerable birth to the two crazy women with an infant in tow.

“UGH! I need a drink. How about you squirt?” Tsunade asked the burbling infant strapped to her chest.

“Boourgh!” The baby gurgled, spitting up on themselves a bit.

“Yosh!” Tsunade shouted, taking that response as an answer while pumping her fist into the air and walking towards the nearest bar. Unaware that Shizune had at one point wandered off while asking someone about the baby and not doing her job of babysitting Tsunade who in turn was watching the baby.

Unfortunately, Tsunade soon learned that while she had the baby in tow no bar would serve her, forcing the dignified woman to crawl trough the many slots and gambling rings on the prowl for a much needed, and hopefully unprotected, drink, l etting out a frustrated groan as she sat down by some slot after her hunt proved fruitless. She glared daggers at the bar that had just turned her away, gently carding her hand through the infant's short fuzzy hair. “I need to find your parents before I end up sober.” She joked to no one in particular, letting out a dry chuckle as the baby let out a series of noises in response.

The blonde eventually noticed the slot behind her before twirling around to face the machine, pulling out a coin and shoving it in the slot.

“Wanna do the honors brat?” Tsunade asked before lifting up the little baby who grabbed the lever with her chubby little baby fists with unadulterated excitement at the new toy presented to her.

The older woman let out a deep slow ‘yeeeaah' as she lowered the kid who was giggling excitedly, pulling the lever with her.

The two watched as the dials rotated wildly before stopping, but no cash fell out.

“Well kid, you gave it your best. But sadly not everyone can be as lucky a gambler as-” She was cut off as she soon noticed that all three caricatures matched, not only that but they were the highest score one could get on the slot. With a shudder, the machine released the cash prize like a golden waterfall, pooling the riches around her feet.

“Kid,” Tsunade said slowly, watching the money continue to fall on the floor as if he machine was sick, “if your family doesn’t come get you I’m gonna make good on drunk-me’s promise.”

The baby laughed, clapping happily in response while Tsunade juggled between shoving as much of the still falling cash into a storage scroll and pinching her good luck charms very chubby, and very very cute, cheeks.

By the time Shizune had managed to track down the lame-duck, she found Tusnade still shoveling money, several already full storage scrolls accompanied her along with a crowd of onlookers, the infant was playfully chewing on Tsunade’s necklace while the Sannin hoarded her money away like a destitute man who found a dragons hoard. A not so foreign description for the lame-duck in actuality.

“Tsunade-sama!” The girl shrieked.

“Ah! Shizune-chan, come help me with my winnings.” The slug princess called happily waving for the girl to come over and join her on the floor.

“What happened to finding the parents?” Shizune pleaded desperately, not at all in the mood to deal with her master's antics.

“Mah-mah,” The object of Shizune's eternal frustrations waved off her concerns as if they were a bothersome gnat, “I’ve been thinking. Maybe I had a good idea when I was drunk. This kid’s not half bad once you get to know 'em.”

“Fwooh!” Said infant chirped.

“Hah, I like you too brat.” Tsunade said patting the kid's soft tuft of hair before raising one of her fat little baby hands to give it a high five.

“Tsuna-”

“Mah-mah, let’s go Shizune-chan, I’m hungry and I’m sure the brats gonna need something too. When was the last time she was fed?” Tsunade said cutting her off, throwing the scrolls into her pocket and stalking off to look for food. Spotting an open ramen stand nearby.

Shizune followed Tsunade’s lead, pleading with her to continue the search, only to be forcibly plopped down beside the blonde who ordered herself a Miso ramen and whatever they can whip up for an infant, being pleasantly surprised when they actually brought out a bottle of warm milk for the tyke. Apparently the owner had a large family who often stayed with her when they visited and there was always a baby that needed something basic.

The two sat in silence, just eating their food while Naruto sucked on her bottle with a little help from Tsunade. Wide innocent eyes looked everywhere, taking in the colorful decorations of the open air area they had stumbled on.

“Tsunade-sama,” Shizune began, “What are we going to do now?” She asked looking down into her bowl for the answers as she spoke.

“What do you mean?” Tsunade asked, slurping her noodles noisily, leaving Shizune to wonder if she didn’t have some secret jutsu to just ignore the elephant in the room or if it was just years of debt avoidance that let her adapt so easily to the situation.

“The baby. You know. The one you kidnapped.” She replied irritably, thankfully no one was around to hear the obvious crime, and the owners in the back working on something and far from ear shot.

Thank Kami!

“I’ve decided to adopt her.” The blonde Sannin said far too proudly before taking a sip of her (thankfully) non-alcoholic drink, making Shizune’s jaw drop to the floor with an audible thunk.

Shizune was about to protest before Tsunade slammed down her cup.

“Shizune,” Tsunade started slowly, “don’t you think that a parent or guardian would have reported anything by now? Would we not have met them or been pointed in the direction of someone looking for their lost infant daughter? Wouldn't a concerned parent go to the front desk to ask for them to call over the speakers for their lost little girl?”

The sannin looking down morosely, memories and soon to be broken promises flashing by in her mind’s eye. A chubby baby hand broke her out of her dark thoughts and made her smile as she let the waving limb grasp tightly to her finger.

“I don’t know how I found this kid but if I ever meet the person who just left her alone where any drunk like me could find her - I'm going to beat them to death, pull them back from the brink, and then kill them again.” She said the last word with enough anger to lose control and shatter the cup in her free hand. Thankfully the kid was too distracted with chewing on Tsunade's finger to notice and start crying again, or worse, play with the broken shards within reach. “But until then I’m gonna raise this kid to the best of my abilities.” The blonde promised with a happy smile.

Having heard the shattering noise, the elderly couple came back outside to help them clean up. Thankfully not asking how the cup was shattered in the first place before cooing over the baby.

“Do you even know what to call her?” Shizune asked after the elderly couple had returned to the back of their stand, deciding to accept the craziness that was her life as she focused on her own food.

At this, Tsunade froze, trying desperately to come up with an acceptable name and not look like an idiot after declaring how she was going to raise the kid.

“Naruto.” She said with a nod, looking at Shizune all to smugly while she bounced the baby ever so gently.

“Did you seriously just name her after a ramen topping?”

“SHUT UP!”


	2. Baby Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade's not gonna give up gambling that easy, how else is she going to afford for her baby?
> 
> Alas, it seems that poor Shizune is the one stuck with the bill in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was faster than expected, but not unwarranted. Inspiration has struck.

“Tsunade-sama…” Shizune begged, biting her tongue as she tried desperately to drag Tsunade away from the toy display. The woman had forgone all self respect and had put on a pig nose and matching ear headband in an effort to make Naruto (and yes that name had sadly stuck despite its noodly origins) laugh, a successful endeavor if the loud happy baby screeches were any indication.

“Nah-roo-toh-chan!” Tsunade sang, “Which one should mommy buy for you?” Two days and the Sannin had already thrown herself off a cliff into an oceanic trench to become a doting parent, holding up two stuffed animals that would be any parents last choice for their kid. “Should we get the big scary snake, ‘rawr’!” She pantomimed in a husky voice, “Or do you like the silly slug better?” Her voice rose an octave as she wiggled the fat puffy blob with a smile.

_ Playing favorites aren’t we? _ Shizune questioned, having watched the woman compare the  _ silly slug _ against the  _ mangy monkey _ and the  _ totally-not-cool toad _ . Naruto for her part, didn’t seem to care whichever stuffed animal was making ridiculous noises that may or may not have fit their respective barnyard noises, the monkey apparently said “ _ wappa wappa _ ” while the toad supposedly went “ _ I’m a perv _ ” not exactly what an infant should be picking up in regards to the noises animals make, but Naruto found them all enjoyable at least. If Shizune was being honest, the little leach had stuck to both of them and wormed her way into their hearts with surprising ease. Hence why they were out shopping for much needed baby items.

They already had a crib, a baby carrier, a vast array of adorable baby clothes, plenty of baby food and formula, pacifiers, and enough diapers to last Naruto into her golden years. That largely left them with luxury items like toys and play sets for the young platinum blonde.

The need to get these things for Naruto was not Shizune’s issue, no, Shizune’s issue was where the funds for these things came from. Ironically enough, it was the money Naruto had “won” the other night at the casino that was footing the bill for the majority of Tsunade’s purchases. And one windfall from an infant’s lucky strike was not going to be enough to cover said infants bills in the future, especially if Tsunade-sama’s gambling habit stayed, or Kami forbid, expounded upon by the need to provide for Naruto. Shizune highly doubted that growing up in casinos was going to be beneficial for a developing mind.

That left odd jobs that did not require anything too intrusive, like surgery, and selling medicine. Again, the idea of being a traveling medicine man, or woman in this case, did not sound like a conducive environment to raise an infant. Which meant-

“Tsunade-sama, don’t you think we should inform the village of your recent adoption?” The young apprentice diplomatically approached.

“And have those old farts drag me back under the excuse of  _ helping _ ?” Tsunade frowned at Shizune from over her shoulder, the sneer she was going for lost much of its power thanks to the pig ears and nose. What little retained of Tsunade’s dignity probably would have been lost forever if she had sprung for the belt accessory that had a little pink swirly pigtail. “Hard pass!”

“But how else are we going to pay for Naruto? We don’t have any jobs, and we can’t accept shinobi jobs without the council's approval! How are we-”

“Shizune,” Tsunade turned serious, taking off the pig ears and nose as she hoisted Naruto up into her arms with the utmost care, apparently set on buying the slug plushie as it was still in her off hand. “We won’t have to worry about money if that’s what your asking.”

“How?!”

“Because,” Tsunade smiled, a truly devious smirk befitting of the demon lord Mephisto after striking a deal with Faust, and for a brief moment, Shizune didn’t feel like she had to worry. That everything was going to turn out all right if she trusted in Tsunade’s plan and- “Because with my latest and cutest good luck charm, there’s no way I can lose!” The Sannin cheered at the top of her lungs, thrusting Naruto above her head. The infant reveled in the attention as she let out happy baby burbles, sucking on her fist as she shook the stuffed slug in her other pudgy hand. “Let’s go-” Tsunade revved up, voice full of excitement as she nestled baby Naruto into the safety of her baby harness, “To the casino! Away!” The Sannin roared, Naruto babbling along with little baby noises as she pumped her fists in a fit of excitement.

“Ahhh! Tsunade-sama!” Shizune pleaded, too late as the legendary slug princess charged away at top speeds towards the nearest gambling den, taking her  _ good luck charm _ with her.

She was about to give chase, hoping to at least keep Naruto out of a casino when she was stopped by an irate shop keep holding the tags for the items Tsunade had just left with, forcing Shizune to pay the not at all small bill with what cash she had on hand.

* * *

“Come on, big money, big money!” Tsunade cheered happily at the top of her lungs, everyone else at the table biting their nails as Tsunade had pretty much bet them out of house and home with her winning streak. “Ready, Naruto?” She asked the babe strapped to her chest, holding the dice up for the infant to see but far enough out of reach for them to not take the germ covered colorful moving objects that most definitely looked tasty to any and all infants. “One, two!” She called out, blowing on the dice, little Naruto close behind as she puffed up her cheeks, face turning red, as she blew on the dice along with her functioning gambling addict of a mother. “Three!” Tsunade let them fly.

Everyone’s fingers were crossed, well, almost everyone as Naruto was still too little to understand that Tsunade had bet what was essentially her college fund at the table.

_ Crap _ ! Tsunade screamed in her head, thankfully not out loud, as the one of the dice put her dangerously at rolling a three, a losing hand in the game of, well… Craps. Everyone else cheered until the dice did the impossible and bounced two more times on the felt surface, finishing on a combined seven, a win for Tsunade!

“Better wins…” The table manager told everyone dejectedly, shoving the mountainous pile of chips the blonde gambling addict's way who began to hastily shovel them into a storage scroll as she could practically smell the casino’s muscle shoving their way through the crowd to call foul play on the woman's fun.

She had managed to elude them for now, sneaking her way through the crowd of drunks and fellow statistic junkies who were too busy trying not to lose the clothes off their backs to really stop or care that a busty blonde with a baby was moving around like a guilty thief that had been caught in the act.

“Tsunade-sama!” Shizune barged in at the wrong moment.

_ Only fifteen more meters to go! _ Tsunade cried in her head, her alarm bells going off as her radar was pinging madly at the approaching bouncers. No matter, Tsunade was a high functioning gambling addict and so-so alcoholic, plus a mother now, and a shinobi, she guesses, so life had prepared her with an arsenal of tricks to get out of trouble in far worse situations.

“Shizune,” The slug Sannin put her hand on the black head’s shoulder, putting on a serious tone and expression, “You’re right, I can’t keep gambling with Naruto in tow.” She lied through her teeth with the practiced ease of a seasoned scammer. “How about the next town we hit up, doesn’t have any casinos.” She suggested, leading her young companion towards the door.

“You mean it!” Shizune exclaimed, all too hopeful despite this trick being played in the not too distant past.

Tsunade nodded vigorously, giving a hearty noise of confirmation. “You bet, no casinos, no underground dens, no slot machines, no gambling! I’m turning over a new leaf!” Her fingers were crossed behind her back as she stopped, the door behind her and the guards that had caught sight of her currently shoving their way through the crowd behind the unwitting Shizune. Tsunade was about to successfully pull a fast one as she smirked in her mind. “I’m thinking a nice relaxing weekend to really get into this parenting thing, hell, make it two months tops before we figure out anything concrete. Let’s hit up the land of Hot Springs! I’ll go pack the luggage, and you meet me on the outskirts of town, whaddya say?” Tsunade held her arms out at the offer, throwing in her best and most sincerest smile.

“Tsunade-sama!” Shizune held her hands to her mouth, for a second she truly believed that her master had seen the light of day.

“That’s the spirit. I’ll see you in about an hour, Shizune!” The lame duck waved over her shoulder, baby Naruto in tow as she left through the automatic sliding doors, leaving a teary eyed Shizune in the casino lobby. The bouncers with big bold ‘security’ written in white blocky letters on their shirts cracked their knuckles menacingly behind the slight girl.

“Oi, neesan, let's have a chat, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm watching Naruto so that's gonna help with some motivation.


	3. Decisions and First Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade makes a plan for the future and Naruto says her first word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto by my vague estimates, is about nine months old at this point.

There were a few unspoken rules of the hot spring, a staple no matter where you go. And while some regions had a few more, they all essentially boiled down to:

1\. No sexy times

No one wanted to bath where two people performed the horizontal nasty.

2\. No pets allowed

Of course there were a few exceptions like guide dogs and stress animals.

3\. No babies and small children

This was more for the crotch goblins than it was for the adults who did not want to deal with screaming and splashing in what was supposed to be a relaxing setting. An onsen could prove fatal if a parent or guardian was not careful.

Of course, these were just guidelines, and without an official sign saying she couldn’t…

Suffice to say Tsunade has broken two of the listed three above. Tonton, despite ninja training and being highly intelligent for a pig, was not a certified animal of any kind, not even a certified ninja pig. And against all her medical training, she brought her infant daughter along with her. Of course, she was not stupid enough to just bring little Naruto into a bath where she could drown or overheat from the humidity, she had used her Uzumaki heritage and her medical knowledge to craft a basic water and heat repellent seal that was secured out of reach of Naruto’s explorative grabby hands on the base of the baby’s bassinet.

It was late into the night, the group of three having worked double time, traveling in random patterns and looping back to throw off any debt collectors that might have caught their scent. Naruto had fallen asleep on the road and was snuggled safely where Tsunade could keep an eye on her. Tonton, ever the loyal familiar, stood on guard, pacing back and forth around the frilly basket, intent to ward off any interlopers who would disturb her owner’s precious child’s rest. Shizune had turned in for the night after a quick soak, making Tsunade swear that she wouldn’t go out and find some underground den, knowing full well that the slug Sannin had an unnatural ability to sniff out loose change and card tables like a money starved bloodhound.

The quiet allowed the gambling addict turned fresh mother a moment to reflect on where she wanted to go, a truly frightening prospect considering her whimsical past.

She knew that she would eventually have to tell the village about Naruto, word would inevitably reach back to Sarutobi-sensei, ninja’s were notorious gossips that fell somewhere between retired old ladies and busybody sailors on the hierarchy of juicy news. She didn’t want Naruto to turn into the reason she lost her freedom. Shizune’s earlier method of sending a letter would probably be the most optimal means to say ‘ _ I’ve adopted a child, K, bye _ .’ But then Hiruzen would likely send out ninja’s to find her for more information, wanting to know more about Naruto’s background, where the girl probably came from, her blood type, chakra affinity, etc. Things Tsunade didn’t really care about at the moment.

Kami forbid if Naruto actually came from a clan.

And if she did and the family wanted her back, well, Tsunade still had to pay them back for losing the girl in the first place. And over her dead body was she going to just Naruto over to anyone in any case, family, clan, village, anyone.

It had been a hassle and a half when Tsunade had taken an apprentice on and left the village, the council and Hiruzen’s old teammates putting up roadblocks wherever they could to prevent the last Senju from leaving the village. And it was only because of the old man having her back that she was able to make it out of the village with no strings attached.

So if nothing else she owed the man she considered something akin to an uncle at least a post it note saying she had a kid.

What did that leave her with then? Postcards?

That could work, brief, quick to the point, festive, didn’t normal families do that when they were introducing new additions to the extended branches?

Ah, but that meant that Hiruzen and the council would have something to recognize Naruto by. She wouldn’t put it past certain parties in Konoha from attempted kidnapping if it meant dragging Tsunade back. Of course that meant there’d be several fewer heads in the village once she’d caught them.

No, she needed to keep the amount of information Hiruzen had to work with to a minimum but still alert him to the fact that she was traveling with one more. It wouldn’t do for the rumor mill to get ahead of her and have Anbu breathing down her neck about her latest acquisition.

Again, Shizune’s words from earlier about sending a letter sounded like the best option for now, but how much information would sate Sarutobi-sensei and the council?

_ Shizune… _

_ Shizune… _

_ Shizune? _

_ Shizune! _

Tsunade burst forth from the water, smiling to herself for her most genius idea, striding out of the steaming water to towel off. Tonton had been caught off guard by the abrupt action, jumping in the air from the shock before she saluted Tsunade who was busy wrapping a towel around herself to become more decent.

She motioned for the loyal little pig to follow, the teacup animal wore a makeshift leash that was attached to the pram, allowing for her to drag it behind her like a cart, bringing the slumbering infant with her as Tsunade went to change. The woman was deep in thought, working out more of her impromptu strategy for how to pull a fast one on an entire shinobi nation.

She would inform the council that she was traveling with an orphan that she had taken under her wing to learn medical ninjutsu. It was not entirely a lie, she did intend to pass her knowledge on to her daughter, assuming she had the aptitude for it (but of course she would, any daughter of Tsunade would have the aptitude, blood or not), and it vaguely implied that Naruto was a bit older and might later join the larger shinobi forces (like hell Tsunade was gonna let that happen though). This should feasibly please the council if only a little.

In the meantime though, Tsunade had to acquire the official paperwork to adopt Naruto.

That meant going to the capital. Because no way in hell would she go to Konoha to do it, not even if all of her, very much significant, debt was paid off.

A tedious affair, and it was likely to get her spotted anyways seeing as the place was often swarming with both foreign and domestic shinobi.

But it had to be done.

At least the capital had some of the best casinos within the entirety of the land of fire, so it wouldn’t be a complete loss.

She’d have to make it big and lay low for a while, try to avoid public scrutiny.

The slug Sannin tsked in irritation to herself, getting dressed in the locker room while Tonton stood patiently by her side, baby Naruto still fast asleep and none the wiser to her mother's hair brained scheme.

To copy the unofficial slogan of a certain shadow user clan.

“What a pain.”

* * *

By Tsunade’s own expert medical opinion, Naruto was about the age for when she should begin talking. Simple words, like mom and dad, dog and cat, little words.

“Come on Naruto!” Tsunade encouraged. “Come one!”

“Kaasan. Say it with me now Naruto, Kaaaassaan.” The Sannin, having spent the past several months trying to get young Naruto to speak outside her usual baby gurgles and single syllables, was dragging the words out in an effort to show her baby girl how to speak.

“Aasuhn.” Naruto tried, looking up at her mother figure with a happy smile, smacking her cheeks with pudgy little hands.

“Kaasan.”

“Aahsun.” Closer but not quite.  _ One more _ Tsunade thought.

“Come on Naruto, like kaasan now, ‘Kah-sahn.’” She made sure to enunciate each syllable.

“Tsunade-sama.” Shizune spoke up while unpacking Naruto’s things. “We’ve been at it all day. Can we take a break from Naruto’s lessons and go to sleep? It's getting late.” Tonton nodded in agreement while Shizune spoke.

Tsunade tsked before setting Naruto down to lie down on the bed. “I’m gonna make you speak brat by the end of the week.” The baby only garbled in response while making a grabbing motion with her hands. Tsunade's half-hearted scowl quickly melted off at the baby’s antics as she leaned down and blew raspberries in Naruto’s happy face.

“Oi.” Shizune spoke up before swatting her sensei on the head. “I thought we agreed on not threatening the baby.”

“I wasn’t threatening her!” Tsunade protested indignantly “Right Naruto-chan?” She leaned down to blow another raspberry onto the baby’s tummy, causing the girl to giggle and squirm. She only stopped when Tonton hopped on the bed to snuffle Naruto’s hair, an action the baby absolutely loved if her renewed cries of laughter were any indication.

“Huh. Maybe you're right.” Tsunade sighed, in regards to Shizune’s suggestion of turning in for the night and not her ridiculous notion that she would ever dare threaten her precious baby girl, fondly watching Naruto and Tonton play before turning to walk away. “Yosh, I’ll take a shower while you unpack.”

“Eh!” Shizune cried out with a pout. “But I carried the luggage.”

“Yes.” Tsunade replied without turning around. “And I carried Naruto.” As if that fact was at all equal to the near eighty pounds of gear that did not fit in the storage scrolls with all of Naruto’s baby things.

She’d really have to invest in more scrolls during their trip to the capital, or at least the materials.

Tonton let Naruto chew on her ear while the two women fought over who would get to shower first, their heads swiveling as if watching the world’s most amusing tennis match while the two women went back and forth.

“-asan.” Naruto screamed, drawing the attention of the room's only adults.

“What did you just say?” Tsunade asked while going to scoop up Naruto. Shizune meanwhile placing herself strategically between Tsunade and the bathroom, but being close enough to hear if Naruto correctly pronounced the word.

“One more time.” The jubilant slug sage requested. “One more time for ‘Kah-sahn.’”

“Baasan!” The baby screamed as loudly as her little lungs would let her.

The room fell silent as Tsunade stared stone-faced at her daughter, Shizune and Tonton trying hard not to laugh at the situation while Naruto continued to cry ‘Baasan’ over and over. Always pointing at Tsunade whenever she said it. Blissfully unaware of the growing tick on the blonde’s forehead from the new name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the record shall now forever show that the goddess Naruto's first word(s) were essentially, old woman.


	4. Official Paperwork and Whatnot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade makes a poor underpaid guard pee his armor.
> 
> Baby Naruto laughs at fate as she correctly guesses her birthday.
> 
> And Tsunade meets an old friend she'd rather not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I, very much accidentally, posted this update under another fic for a hot second there...
> 
> Sorry to those who showed up for the wrong fic...
> 
> Anyways, I'm not dead, ignore what the flat lining heart monitor in the background says.

The day had started out good. Tsunade had woken up early for once, had a decent breakfast, fed and watered Naruto, she could not have asked for a more perfect start to her day.

She could, however, ask for the following hour to have been better.

Naruto had stuck to the name-that-shall-not-be-mentioned like it was her new favorite toy, constantly calling her _A lovely young woman in the springtime of her youth_ and most certainly not at all making Tsunade, briefly, consider child homicide.

Then the hotel staff had fudged not only the bill but hemmed and hawed with their checkout.

And of course the debt collectors were already hot on their heels, but that was to be expected. A fat wad of cash thrown over her shoulder and the previously organized group of loan sharks were turning on each other in a bid to satiate their own finances.

After all that, it had retired to relative peace and calm, Tsunade carried Naruto, Tonton waddled along in front, clearing the way of danger, and Shizune, eternally thankful for the extra storage scrolls that now contained the eighty pounds of extra gear, made up the rear.

They were now mere minutes from seeing the walls of the capital, and the growing knot of worry in Tsunade’s stomach refused to untangle itself and let her breath. Unconsciously, she wrapped her arms around Naruto who had dozed off during the journey, one of her hands grabbing the baby’s while rubbing slow circles into the small palm.

The group of two adults and one pig started to get nervous when the gates came into view. Officially, the gates were guarded by small squadrons of samurai while a few Konoha shinobi, mostly made of high chunin to mid jounin, usually milled about out of sight, mostly there to watch and report suspicious behavior to the Daimyo’s guard and the Hokage.

The key here was to not arouse suspicion.

Ideally, Shizune and Naruto would be sent through first, followed a while later by Tsunade and Tonton so as to lower their chance of being recognized together with an infant in tow, an infant that looked nothing like either woman. They’d have about the same chance of passing Tonton off as the mother as themselves.

Even with the amount of traffic flowing in and out of the Land of Fire’s main city, the samurai guards were incredibly vigilant and kept track of not only who and what came into the city, but also the reason for entering the city. To say nothing of the nin hidden out of sight but not out of mind. And while they might be somewhat accommodating of Tsuande and Naruto’s unique predicament up front, it would still leave a sizable paper trail for the right person to follow if they knew where to look.

After all, _Tsunade and co. entered the imperial city in order to officially register the adoption of an infant with no background or paperwork of her own_ had to be the biggest red flag of all time.

The group huddled closer outside the walls, joining the throng of people that had already gathered, merchants, travelers, pilgrims, politicians, shinobi, and every other person under the sun stood in an orderly line waiting their turn.

The itch to run was growing stronger for Tsunade, and she was eternally thankful for Shizune who would give the Sannin an encouraging nod and a squeeze on the shoulder. The flicker in the noirette’s eyes down to Naruto only strengthened Tsunade’s wavering resolve, the little infant having woken up and was happily burbling, earning herself a few amused looks from the other people stuck in line before they returned to their own business, counting the seconds the had left before their release from bureaucratic purgatory.

“Names and papers please.”

“Tsunade-sama.”

“Names and papers please.”

“Tsunade-sama!”

“Names and papers please!”

“Tsunade-sama!” Shizune shook the blonde from her thoughts, worst case scenarios of them taking Naruto away from her or the village dragging her back against her will dancing on the periphery of her mind’s eye. “Hai?” she responded to Shizune who had a look of panic on her face. Her apprentice merely pointed with her wide eyes toward the irate samurai who expectantly held out his palm for Tsunade’s passport, and likely Naruto’s nonexistent one as well.

“My bad,” She scratched the back of her head, forcing out an awkward chuckle that did nothing to alleviate the palpable tension in the air, giving the man the requested papers and her name.

“The infant’s?” He gruffly ordered, once more holding out his hand after returning Tsunade’s paperwork, another samurai guard writing something down in a ledger just behind the guard shack.

“About that…” She ran through the rehearsal she and Shizune had been practicing for days for just this situation.

“Name and papers, please.” He didn’t so much ask as he demanded, the please bit coming out almost like an insult and Tsunade had to repress the urge to deck the man in the face.

“Well you see-”  
  


“No papers, no entry.” He tartly cut her off, withdrawing his hand and gesturing for her to get out of the line.

“Now listen here, this baby is-”  
  


“I do not care who this baby is or isn’t, if they don’t have papers, they don’t enter the city, end of discussion. Leave the line or I will take you into custody.” He glowered grouchily at the Sannin, fingering his blade while making Tsunade wonder if he could do his job properly if he was so blatantly threatening a woman who could easily take out him and his comrade with one hand tied behind her back.

Any argument Tsunade was about to make was quickly cut off by Naruto’s wailing, the man’s gruff demeanor and bad attitude making her more and more upset as he continued to holler and yell for her to leave, escalating the infant’s wails. People in the back of the line were demanding they hurry up while the guard in the shack cast the blonde Sannin the stink eye before he continued to scribble more incriminating information down in whatever book he was writing.

“Hold my baby,” She handed the still wailing infant off to the shaking Shizune who was looking at all the angry faces now focused on Tsunade who was ready to start a brawl. “Listen,” She yanked the man by the front of his ridiculous armor, cracking it under her grip and making him seriously reconsider his customer service skills. “My name is Senju Tsunade, if you didn’t read or hear me the first time.” She looked him straight in the eye with a glare that would have made the devil himself proud. “I’m here to adopt my daughter,” She yanked him around to look at the sniffling Naruto who was clutching Shizune’s robes in a death grip, “Isn’t she cute? Don’t answer that. Now here’s the deal,” She lifted him off the ground with ease and had his feet dangling a foot off the ground. The man had to weigh more than two hundred and fifty pounds, with his armor included. “She doesn’t have paperwork, her previous guardians were pieces of shit who I will one day put out of all of our mystery, but that’s not the point, the point is that she needs to be registered as my daughter so she can get the paperwork for you to check. Okay? Okay.” She dropped him on his ass.

The poor dude in the shack was ghost white and hurriedly made himself small lest he garner Tsunade’s wrath next, writing her down in a much more positive light just to be safe and amending his earlier records.

“Shizune!” Tsunade bellowed, making the girl jump into a salute. “Give ‘im your papers and let’s be done with this circus!” She grabbed the man by the back of his armor, shattering it again, holding him up to take Shizune’s papers and make a note of why she was here before waving them through.

“So much for subtlety.” Shizune whispered under her breath. Tsunade was too mad at the moment to care, desperately wanting a drink but muscled through with her newfound rage to get the damn paperwork done as soon as possible.

The quicker they could leave this damn city where everyone had to know your business and had a stick up their ass, the better.

* * *

The bureaucrats having gotten wind of Tsunade’s little tantrum at the gate already had the paperwork ready and filled out, all they needed was for Tsunade to put in the information that they didn’t know and for her to jot down her signature. Which left her things like name, appearance, birthday - that had been a fun one, to figure out.

Tsunade didn’t know what to put for it at first, so she did what any logical person would do in a situation where they were stumped, relied on chance.

“Have at it kid.” Tsunade said, giving Naruto a set of dice to roll.

“Baasan!” Naruto exclaimed, that damned word had become Naruto’s favorite and she was just hoping, very much hoping, that it was a phase. But after much practice and several failed bribes, Tsunade had accepted it with the grace of an old war veteran who could no longer fight the coming end. Didn’t mean anyone else could call her that though.

“October!” She jotted it down on the paper. “And the day?” She handed the die back to Naru.

“Fwoooh!” Naruto enunciated, rolling another ten.

“Tenth.” She finished the paperwork, noting with some slight surprise that Naruto would be about a year old then if this was in any way statistically correct. She chuckled at the thought, what were the odds that Naruto’s dice roll was right about that?

* * *

Tsunade would forever be grateful for Shizune sticking with her through this drunken-semi-sober decision that had irrevocably changed Tsunade’s life. Why? Because Naruto needed to get her blood drawn for medical reasons.

The noirette had wordlessly taken the sleeping Naruto from Tsunade’s limp grasp while the sannin was trying to keep her stomach from tying itself into a pretzel. “I can handle the check up if you want to get supplies and square away accommodations. That way we can leave first thing tomorrow.” Her apprentice had whispered into her teacher’s ear.

And like the coward she was, Tsunade took the out and ran for it.

So now she was busying herself with a list of tasks she knew needed to get done and not think about little Naruto screaming as a twelve foot needle as thick as a hot dog getting jabbed into her tiny little baby arm and… yeah…

Baby supplies, check.

Food and other necessities for traveling, check.

How to raise a child manual, check.

Rubber sluggie for Naruto’s bath time, double-check.

Bottles of alcohol (Hey! She was trying to be a good parent, not the best parent!), check.

All that was left was to set a wake-up call from the hotel staff and she should be good.

So she was on her way back to the clinic where Naruto’s medical records were being built. At least she had the knowledge that it was Shizune doing most of the work and not some stranger poking her daughter with a million rusty needles.

Or at least she would be back on her way to the clinic if she wasn’t so nervous. She had barely made it through the waiting room the first time, protective paranoid mother bear instincts making her look at every person who dared to cough or sneeze in her baby’s proximity like they had thrown an explosion tag her way. The double doors were just across the way, visible through the mid day crowd, and she couldn’t bring herself to go through them.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, the perfect distraction made himself known at the worst possible moment.

“Oi, Tsunade! Long time no see?”

* * *

Shizune was only slightly miffed at Tsunade’s absence, knowing that her phobia made it hard for the woman to be anywhere near hospitals and needles. She would give the sannin a break for now, but would definitely have some strong words with her later about possibly getting therapy for Naruto’s sake. So in their hotel room she sat, gently rocking Naruto on her lap who was thankfully asleep.

The sound of stomping could be heard coming up the hall and Shizune already dreading whatever had upset Tsunade now, the gate was already bad enough and she really didn’t want to leave because Tsunade started a street brawl because some drunk had decided to say the wrong thing to the hotheaded woman.

The door swiftly opened before slamming shut with enough force to rattle the frame.

Shizune didn’t even have enough time to look up from the startled Naruto who was looking around blearily instead of crying before the very same infant was snatched from her limp grasp. The now awake infant was happily babbling up to her new legally appointed mother and trying to grab her hair.

Tsuande was paying the barest attention to the infant, instead she fretted about the room gathering things up and throwing them into whatever storage scroll was available, her face taken over by a solemn, determined, visage. The noirette fully believed that if the sage himself tried to get between Tsunade and whatever she was doing that the blonde sannin would win without a doubt.

“Tsunade-sama?” She carefully approached, hand hovering over her master’s shoulder, debating whether or not she should touch her and risk having her bones broken.

“We’re leaving.” The woman stood up without warning, looking at Shizune without looking _at_ her.

“What?! We just got here!”

Tsunade didn’t answer immediately, looking around the room for something before walking over to the bathroom. “Yes,” She stopped at the door, turning back around to begin shoving the toys littered on the bed into another storage scroll. “And I just drank Jiraiya so far under the table he’s gonna need a new liver or two.”

“Jiraiya?!” Shizune held a hand over her mouth, already knowing if Tsunade’s former teammate got wind of Naruto that he’d probably tattle straight to the Hokage, or at the least let it slip in passing.

“I also might have slipped him a little something extra… so yeah.” Tsunade looked around the room once more.

“Is that everything?”

* * *

Jiraiya’s head hurt for two reasons.

The first was obviously the mother of all hangovers.

The second was probably from where his skull was fractured and a sizable lump was growing like a prized tomato.

Other than those two painfully glaring issues with his brand new morning, his surroundings smelled like a pig farm. Which made sense once he sat up with a wince, only to look down from the rooftop he was laying on to peer down into the dozen or so beady eyes of the pink barnyard animals.

Jiraiya’s next two problems to make themselves known were.

The first, he had no memory whatsoever about what he was doing before this and how he ended up here in the first place, other than the alcohol probably played a role in his current smelly location in the universe. And the harder he tried to remember anything at all, the more came up blank.

The second one, that quickly called his attention, was that his face could be considered a brand new shade of red because of the burning sunburn he had from sleeping under the hot midday sun.

Summoning a toad to get a better grasp on his many problems only made it worse by shooting his blood pressure through the roof as he pieced his last, most confident, memory with the current date.

“THREE WEEKS!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your kudos and comments are much appreciated, I am tired and suffering with mental constipation in terms of writing, but this was fun nonetheless to write.


	5. Stormageddon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter.
> 
> Naruto is very much like Kaguya... and yet not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is my personal opinion that all infants are horrible little tyrants.
> 
> Disclaimer: Stormageddon is from an episode of Doctor Who involving a baby that personally goes by the same moniker, and then I named my plant the very same, so Naruto is technically named after a plant named after a side character from a British TV show.

_ YES! Bow before your GOD mortals! _ Stormageddon, creator and destroyer of all, taker and giver of life, master of the universe, and-  _ Ooh, what was that?! It looks tasty! _

Naruto, or rather, Stormageddon as she preferred to be called, observed the wriggling… thing.

_ Guess I have to name that too! _ She thought to herself, watching the fuzzy tasty thing jerk about, grabbing it in her mighty fist of doom and giving it a tug, only to be met with resistance.  _ You dare defy me! _

Her efforts doubled until she finally had her prize,  _ You were indeed a worthy opponent, but all will submit to me! _ She began to chomp and bite, deeming tasty indeed.  _ Hmmmm _ , She thought to herself,  _ This is good, worthy indeed of a proper name. Let’s see… what to name you? _ She removed it from her mighty jaws.

_ Well, _ she reasoned, _ You are tasty, so maybe… fasty? NO, that is not a name worthy of such a tasty foe! _

_ Hmmmmmmmm. _

_ Well _ , she once more reasoned to herself,  _ I want to eat you, so it has to be something along those lines, so that I will always remember what a delicacy lesser being like you are. _

_ Eat. _

_ Eat. _

_ Eet. _

_ Eeeeet. _

_ Feet! _

_ I’m a genius! _

  
  


“Is that tasty?” Tsunade asked in a high baby voice, taking the offered foot from Naruto who released it from her mouth after being distracted by her mother reentering from the bathroom. Her baby giggled and Tsuande cooed before taking up Naruto’s other foot and began playing with it. “You’re so strong!” She remarked, putting up minimal resistance as Naruto began to kick her feet.

She had read somewhere that this was a good exercise for babies to help build leg muscles, not that Naruto needed any help in building her motor skills. Already a year old and her little tike was crawling all over the place, getting into things, and making a general nuisance of herself. Though Tsunade would admit to sabotaging Naruto’s progress in the walking department.

And could anyone blame her?

Every Time she saw Naruto using the furniture, or Tonton, or either Tsunade or Shizune, or even on her own with no help, the sannin couldn’t help but scoop up her precious baby girl and kiss her chubby cheeks, lavishing her with praise. It also didn’t help that Naruto took her ‘training’ very seriously as she’d always pout the minute her tiny squishy self fell into her overjoyed mother’s clutches. She’d squirm and wriggle in Tsunade’s hold, puffing up her cheeks and turning a disturbing shade of reddish pink before she’d eventually cave and start up with fits of giggles. Then Tsunade would put her back down and help her through the motions, holding up Naruto’s little arms and slowly walking her forward on shaky legs.

* * *

_ YES! _ The dark booming voice crowed.

_ YES! _

_ YES! _

_ YES! _

_ I _

_ Am _

_ Risen! _

The mighty god Stormageddon internally cheered in victory as she used her current throne (a bed) to stand up on her mighty pillars of victory.

_ I am in control! All mortals shall tremble before my might! For I am Stormageddon, master of life and death, god of all, she who rules a thousand- _

_ No, traitor! I demand freedom, unhand me this instant! _ Naruto began to push on ‘Fun Bags’ face, letting out high pitched squeals as her caretaker/slave began to give her the infernal ‘kisses’. But she knew them for what they were, a bribe, a means for ‘Fun Bags’ to appease her master’s wrath and live another day.

And it worked.

_ How does she do it? _ The tiny god asked herself dumbfounded.

_ No! _ She declared, readying her resolve to better face off against her favorite giant.  _ I shall fight back! _ She readied her mighty fist of divine doom, cocking it back before letting loose.

_ Take that! _

_ And that! _

_ Oh you like that? How about some of this! _

_ Maybe these will be more to you liking?! _

She continued her assault, and like the masochist Fun Bags was, she took all of Stormageddon’s assault in stride.

_I hope you’ve learned your lesson. I do this because I tolerate you._ _Now, assist me on my road to conquest, forward beast!_ She commanded, letting Fun Bags assist her in her conquest of the lesser beings, her mighty feet.

  
  


“No no,” Tsunade chided the fussy thirteen month old, “It’s bedtime.” She informed the still struggling infant who was quickly running out of steam, grabbing onto Tsunade's shirt and opting to pout at the unfairness of it all.

Tsunade did after all snatch her daughter up after she had successfully stood up, but in the blonde’s defense, Naruto was a second away from teetering backwards and smacking her precious head on the hardwood floor.

Tsunade was hoping to avoid concussions until Naruto was at least six.

Training hazards and all that.

“How about  _ Kaahsahn _ ,” She stressed the word because Naruto was stubbornly sticking to the-word-that-shall-not-be-mentioned, “Reads you a nice bedtime story, huh?” She snatched Naruto’s favorite book from where it sat by the bed on an end table.

“Chapter 1, The Systems of the Body. Your body is made up of hundreds of thousands of cells that fall under…”

* * *

This was war, and this was a war Shizune was determined to win.

What was this war over you might ask? It was over who was Naruto's second favorite person, cause Tsunade obviously took first place.

But to add insult to injury, this war wasn’t even against another person, Shizune might have been able to handle that a bit better. But no! Her enemy was a goddamn pig!

Somehow, at some point, Shizune noticed that when Tsunade wasn’t in the room, Naruto had moments of indecision where she hesitated between Shizune and Tonton when the baby was in the middle. Often this led to her crying as she couldn’t make up her mind. And that led Shizune and Tonton getting a good lump on the head from an irate Tsunade who had a seventh sense for when Naruto was upset.

Seriously, Shizune had lost many years over her time traveling with Tsunade, adopting a baby after drunk Tsunade planted the idea in sober Tsunade’s head, but watching that  ~~ demon ~~ woman burst through the floor radiating killing intent probably halved the few meager years Shizune had left.

Maybe she should study her genes for the reason she hadn’t gone grey yet.

_ Focus dammit! _

She could not afford to lose focus at this crucial moment where Tsunade was busy doing whatever it was she did when she wasn’t gambling with a baby in tow.

The two, Shizune and Tonton, stared each other down, looks of determination blazing as the cold war was heating up into a hot one. Each was armed with one of Naruto’s two favorite toys.

In Tonton’s hands, paws? Hooves? Was Naruto’s slug plushie, her favorite toy.

This put Shizune at a disadvantage in terms of resources of war, forcing her to arm herself with the anatomical doll (Tsunade had weird habits when it came to parenting), but Shizune could speak.

“Come on Naruto, come to Neesan!” She encouraged, waving her hand for Naruto to crawl to her.

Tonton must have picked up on Shizune’s little advantage as she stomped her hoof in defiance, letting out a challenging oink, picking up the slug plushie and furiously tapping her little hooves on the hardwood to draw Naruto’s attention.

Naruto was getting confused, pale baby blue eyes going from the noirette to the pink pig as she tried to figure out where to go, or more importantly, who to go to.

“Don’t you wanna learn about the body with Neesan?”

“OINK!”

Naruto was starting to get frustrated, face heating up and a pout starting to form. Her tiny fists clenched as she threw them up and down, making little grunts of frustration as the choices made it almost impossible for her.

Naruto’s eyes started to moisten, and Shizune knew that if she started crying, that this war would end in attrition.

Tsunade was going to kill them if one tear made it to the floor.

It looked like she was going to have to use her secret weapon.

“Naruto, look, you wanna cookie?!” She pulled the treat out from behind her back.

The reaction was immediate as Naruto started crawling to Shizune.

“Good job!” She cheered, giving Naruto the cookie and dropping the anatomical doll.

She looked into the pig’s beady little eyes, soaking up the animal’s dissatisfaction.

Oh she wished she had a cup right now, she wanted to taste it, the sweet tangy taste of victory.

But like many things in life, her victory was cut short as Naruto double crossed her, scooting her way with her latest captive and quickly securing the one in Tonton’s hold.

Now it was Tonton’s turn to reap the rewards of victory.

But history was one to repeat itself, and Tonton quickly lost Naruto, said baby crawling away as quickly as she could with her prisoners of war to…

“So what have you two been up to while I was gone?”

  
  
“Baasan!”

“Hello sweetheart! But what’s this?” Tsunade questioned, wiping her finger across Naruto’s cheek. “Did you have a snack right before bedtime?” She looked at Shizune and Tonton who were doing their best to look innocent and the picture of mature guardians who were not trying to weaponize a baby’s favorite toys against the other. “I sure hope this is all a coincidence because we  _ all _ know you have trouble sleeping with a tummy full of snacks.” She rubbed noses with the giggling infant without breaking eye contact with the guilty parties.

They weren’t going to get off easy… were they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain: "we have other fics to work on you know, half written chapters that needs ONE scene to be posted."
> 
> Me: "Yeaaaaaaah."
> 
> My brain: ....
> 
> Me: Let's start another fic!
> 
> We're probs gonna do a time skip to where Naruto is actually a child and not a potato with limited mobility.


	6. Bring Me a Shrubbery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto starts her training.
> 
> Naruto is seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place over the course of two weeks.

Tsunade was dreaming of booze, lots and lots of booze.

Sake.

Ale.

Hard ciders.

Visions of fruity liquors and cocktails danced just behind her closed eyelids.

Of course, her dreams were not to last.

“Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! Are you awake? Mom, mom, mom, mom…” The high pitched whining of her lovely blessing of a daughter, that she loved with every fiber of her being, filtered into her ears and was the first thing that greeted her on her entry to the waking world.

“MOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOoooOMMMMMMMM!” Naruto went big, “YOU PROOOOOOMMMMIISSSED!”

What did Tsunade promise?

Why to begin Naruto’s shinobi training of course. Just a chakra exercise here or there, some basic taijutsu katas, nothing too big or... flammable.

“Five more minutes.” The sannin groaned, pulling the covers up and over her head, wondering where the hell Shizune was to buy her some more time in the land of nod. “Just… five more minutes.”

“BUUTT MOOOMMM!”

“Naruto, it’s not even noon yet, just, five more minutes.” She bargained.

“But it’s an hour past noon!” She could hear the sound of little feet hitting the ground and taking off to somewhere in the hotel room. Tsunade was left to wonder if she’d really slept for eighteen hours straight without noticing it before her retinas were destroyed by the midday sun blazing through the open window. The pain and sudden brightness sent Tsunade tumbling off the bed with the grace of a drunk pig covered in grease, taking the blankets and pillows with her as she smashed into the floor with a heavy thud.

The defeated sannin let out a deep sigh, already dreading whatever disaster was going to take place today.

Maybe she could convince Naruto to go gambling with her instead…

* * *

Tsunade had opted to wait longer than most Shinobi families before deciding to officially begin Naruto’s training. She wanted to give Naruto as normal a childhood one could get while on the road before training her in the ninja arts. She could have started sooner like many clans did when their children turned four, but Tsunade had seen the statistics and injury reports on the disadvantages of early training; higher injury rates and an increase in mistakes in missions had a strong correlation to early training during developmental years, to say nothing of stunted growth.

This wasn’t to say Naruto knew nothing about chakra and some basic skills. Her daughter had already mastered chakra enhanced running and jumping as it was vital if none of them wanted to be caught by the collectors and loan sharks constantly on their tail. She just hadn’t taught Naruto any chakra control exercises.

And now she was sorely regretting it as the consequences were making themselves known.

“Mooom!” Naruto shouted, slightly panicked.

To the average passerby it would look like Tsunade and Shizune were scrutinizing a funny looking bush.

She had misjudged the amount of chakra Naruto had. Apparently enough to not only get a leaf to stick to her, which was the first step in the leaf exercise, but all leaves in the nearby vicinity. So now half a tree was stripped bare and her daughter was, effectively, a talking shrubbery.

* * *

Deciding to cut her losses Tsunade helped Naruto through the steps of getting leaves to not stick to her. A challenge in and of itself apparently as Naruto was too panicked to stop pumping chakra through her body, forcing Tsunade and Shizune to manually pull the leaves off and carry them some distance away so Naruto didn’t suck them back up like a magnet.

Tonton was perhaps most helpful as she simply ate the leaves off and prevented them from reattaching themselves.

  
  


After many more debacles involving Tsunade’s very lovely daughter turning into a very lovely bush, the sannin decided that it was time to move on once Naruto was able to A- get only a single leaf to stick to her, and B- move it around a little.

But before that happened, it was a mutual decision amongst the traveling band of women that they would never mention how long it took them before they finally realised they should move Naruto away from any and all trees, bushes, and shrubbery that might provide Naruto with an adequate disguise to blend into the scenery.

The next thing up on Tsunade’s very-bad-list-of-chakra-techniques was tree walking, an advanced skill for a seven year old, yes, but a necessary one if she wanted to teach Naruto the thousand fists technique or Iryō ninjutsu before she turned nine.

So after a quick run down and Tsunade demonstrating the technique with ease by walking up one of the more sturdier looking trees, much to Naruto’s enthusiastic joy and surprise, it was Naruto’s turn.

“You’re sure you’re ready?” Tsunade questioned, knowing full well that Naruto was not only a trouble magnet in and of herself, but that their current streak of training accidents wasn’t a very reassuring factor. She was half expecting the tree to blow up, or Naruto to get her feet stuck upside down and have blood rush to her head until she eventually passed out and… yeah. “We’ve been practicing all day, it’s fine if you wanna call it quits and go get some ramen.” Tsunade tried to bribe Naruto into calling it in for the day, the sun was just beginning to set and in all honesty Tsunade was a bit afraid, ok a lot afraid, of Naruto falling and cracking open her head, forgetting that she was a legendary sannin with lightning fast reflexes and the progenitor of modern medical ninjutsu.

“I’m ready!” Naruto exclaimed at max volume, pumping her fists into the air.

Tsunade let out a sigh, hoping that this would be over quickly with less fiasco than the other training attempts that had been marginally successful.

“You remember the goal, right?” She quizzically eyed the kunai held in her daughters grasp, feeling only slightly queasy.

“Yeah!” Naruto affirmed, “Climb as high as I can, sending chakra to my feet, and mark the spot!”

“Atta girl.” Tsunade ruffled her daughter's hair.

_Were those bumps? Did Naruto hit her head earlier?_ Tsunade blinked to herself, having noted two small ridges on the top of Naruto’s cranium where she had rubbed her hand in a sign of affection, but before she could confirm whether or not she was imagining it, Naruto took off at a dead sprint… and promptly ran face first into the tree.

She couldn’t help but laugh at her daughter's foolishness, hoping that a bruised ego from an epic failure like that would be the last trouble to their day.

“You distracted me!” Naruto harrumphed on the grassy floor, face a purplish red from embarrassment and giving the wooden skin of the tree a kiss.

“Ah huh,” She snarkily remarked, “you sure you weren’t just distracted by your boyfriend’s handsome face?” She jested.

“MOM!” Naruto turned even redder at the implication.

“Oh, my bad, is it a she?” She pretended to look embarrassed for not knowing. “It’s okay, I won’t judge, as long as you're happy, I’m happy.” She helped the pouting girl to stand up, hoisting her up by her pits. Naruto for her part continued to sulk, avoiding eye contact and crossing her arms while her mother held her aloft, dangling the young platinum blonde in the air, trying to hide the snickers that threatened to escape past her lips as her daughter looked all to much like one of those cats that stretched out to absurd lengths when held up, the whisker marks didn’t help one bit either.

“I’m not talking to you.” Naruto stubbornly buckled down.

“Oooohhhh, I’m sowwy.” Tsunade spoke in a baby voice, squeezing Naruto close as she nuzzled the back of her daughter’s head, “Please don’t be mad with me!” She half heartedly begged.

“No!” Naruto harrumphed, sucking her head and neck in to sulk even further.

“I’ll let you get a fourth helping of ramen if you forgive me.”

Naruto’s lips scrunched up but she refused to budge.

“How about a fifth one?” She questioned, taking long awkward strides that made the dangling seven year old’s legs swing wildly about.

Naruto gave her the stink eye, the tantalizing, sodium packed, goodness dangling right in front of her like a carrot on a stick. “Fine!” She acquiesced, still pouting.

Tsunade gave a triumphant hurrah before she decided to sweeten the pot. “How about Kaasan give you a leg up on the tree climbing, ready?” She asked, holding Naruto up so she had a good head start and a firm starting position to place her feet.

Naruto smiled in response, knowing exactly what to do as she kicked her feet against the bark of the tree with a solid kick. “Ready!”

“Aaaaaaannnnddd… GO!” Tsunade let go, only taking a single step back in the likely event Naruto fell down.

Except she didn’t, Naruto held fast like her feet were glued to the vertical surface, eyes wide and body stiff.

“Well? You gonna go?” The elder blonde encouraged, watching the fearful expression melt away as Naruto shakily removed her leg from the wooden surface, planting it down and getting a solid placement before she repeated the motion.

Tsunade was far too happy that her daughter was climbing the tree all on her own and making it so far up on the first try that she didn’t stop to question the truly prodigious act of a seven year old doing what most nine year olds struggled at with ease. It was only when Naruto made it to the first tree limb that she started to worry.

“All, right, that’s good, time to start coming down.” She ordered a bit nervously, eyeing the branch with worry.

“Mom, look no haaaaaaaahhhhh!” Naruto plummeted when the branch snapped with a loud crack, too old and rotten to properly support the weight of the girl.

Her mother watched in horror for a full second before her instincts and training snapped her out of it. She managed to stop the girl from smashing her head into the earth and possibly breaking her neck and ending up paralyzed, or worse, dead.

“Tadah!” Naruto said in a very quiet voice, looking with her wide, pale blue eyes into the relieved amber eyes of her mother that were quickly overtaken with motherly disapproval and a bit of misplaced anger.

“That’s enough for today.” She sternly told the girl in her arms, grip tightening as she carried the girl back to the village as if she were injured.

Neither quite noticed the branch of wood that was firmly attached to the younger girl’s sandals

  
  


“But I almost died!” Naruto protested, firmly tucked into bed surrounded by an army of pillows. Her old sug plushie clutched firmly in her angry grip, eyes bulging out at an odd angle from the strangulation.

“No.” Tsunade told her firmly with a single word, staring the much younger girl down from her seat on the bedside.

The two had gone straight back to the hotel after the accident in the woods, and Tsunade was stubbornly refusing to let Naruto out of her sight, even for ramen.

“We’ll get it tomorrow, but you're staying put, I don’t need any more accidents today.

“But you promised!”

“No.”

Naruto’s pout deepened and for the second time today, Tsunade was worrying about Naruto’s health.

She had only confirmed the two lumps growing on Naruto’s scalp, having seriously questioned her own memory for any incidents over the past two weeks in which Naruto might have bumped her head, only to groan as she was reminded of the many times Naruto had smashed her head during training, and more often than not just running into walls as children are want to do. She swore it was an actual game for a seven year old to find out how many times they can smash their head into a wall before they suffer brain damage.

But that was only one problem on her list of growing worries.

The second was that Naruto turned red, not just red, but RED, as in her entire body turned as bright as a tropical flower when she really got heated. Some poking and prodding merely showed that Naruto had extremely pale, and slightly translucent skin, but nothing really bad. It only meant that she had to be sure she stocked up on sunscreen in every city now to be on the safe side.

And she was doing that now, turning red as she held her breath in protest for the all important, Kami damned, ramen.

“Shizune,” She barked.

“Hai!” The noirette jumped to attention, having spent the past hour hovering around Tsunade who in turn hovered over Naruto. Her apprentice went so far as to salute the woman, holding Tonton who was doing likewise.

“Go get some take-out.” She waved her hand, holding her face in the other as she felt the inevitable headache growing.

“On it!” Her loyal apprentice affirmed her, promptly departing without asking for an order, leaving the two blondes in a tense silence.

Naruto, for her credit, looked only a little peeved, now happy that she was getting what she was promised, but not forgetting that her mother was resigning her to bed rest for the foreseeable future and treating her like she was going to break like a porcelain doll. Turning her head away, while Tsunade continued to stare at her.

This of course let Tsunade observe the third medical issue that Naruto suffered from, veins.

Not as in, her veins were a problem, but that when Naruto became heated, excited, or otherwise got her blood pumping, her veins throbbed violently just under the skin. And since her anger had run hot like the stubborn blonde daughter of the stubborn blonde mother she was, her veins were still on full display.

Tsunade had to swallow her discomfort and fear whenever she looked upon the red throbbing arteries, knowing all too intimately what was in there.

Honestly Tsunade had no idea off the bat what the condition could be, only that she needed to go to the library in the not too distant future and study up on the circulatory system.

The only sliver of good that might come out of this uncomfortable endeavor would be that her phobia might subside ever so slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto fully forgave Tsunade after she got her food, but the rest of her training that week took place inside reading up on chakra control.


	7. Beach Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sun, surf, and all the bulk sunscreen from Costco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shizune reads adult graphic novels to fill the vacant void yearning for romance.

Did you know that humans could indeed grow horns?

They were referred to as cutaneous horns, a hard, compact, growth of keratin, the stuff hair and nails are made of, that would erupt once every three hundred or so years from some poor person's head. That year part was mostly embellishment, but the point still stood.

Tsunade did not know this, even in a world of ninjas and kekkei genkais, she did not know this. And a cursory glance through her Rolodex of clans revealed none that grew horns from their actual heads.

But did you also know that cutaneous horns were sometimes an indication of cancer?

Because that only made Tsunade’s fears explode exponentially through the roof as she had to weigh which option was worse for her daughter.

Long lost child of a clan that most likely harbored zero love for Konoha and anyone affiliated with the hidden leaf.

Or cancer.

So Tsunade wasn’t happy.

Which was why she decided to do what she did best, run from and ignore her problems.

Hence why they were at a mall swimsuit shopping. Because what better way to escape life’s problems than to run away and hide at a five star casino resort that Tsunade and Naruto had won off some poor schmoe last night while performing their rounds.

She actually had to wipe a single, solitary tear that tried to fall as the memory of her baby girl, her precious minion, her little Mini-me, managed to overcome the hurdle that was trying to perform a henge with the massive amount of chakra she had so they could gamble without worry.

Damn casinos were only just beginning to catch onto Tsunade's little winning streak, and her little good luck charm.

Bastards.

Least they weren’t hiring ninjas yet.

“How about this one?” Naruto popped out from behind the changing room door, wearing a cute light blue one piece with ornate bright orange goldfish decorating it.

Nasty dark thoughts about her daughter dying a slow painful death in a hospice ward chased away by the image of her cute little girl twirling in her spandex swimsuit.

“Kawaii!” She gushed, watching Naruto laugh as she turned and went back to change into her day to day clothes.

She felt more than saw Shizune stand beside her, holding Tonton as she joined in on the mush fest. And then she opened her damn mouth to spoil Tsunade’s happy little moment.

“She’s going to have to beat the boys off with a stick once she gets older.”

* * *

To be fair, Naruto was eight and far from the age in which Tsunade had to worry about boy troubles. Naruto had yet to have a single passing crush and Tsunade hoped to god that it would stay like that for a long time to come. But that didn’t mean boys, nasty perverted little cretins barely a step up above cockroaches (and that was an insult to cockroaches), who thought more with their member than their brain, wouldn’t see the budding beauty that Naruto was sure to be once she began to mature.

So Tsunade took measures where she could before she had to run the assured sandy gauntlet of rich tits’ kids who thought they were entitled to an iota of Naruto’s attention once they hit the resort.

Memories of her own childhood where she had to be paraded around the upper echelons of society because she was the Hokage's granddaughter made a shiver run down her spine. The number of times she had to turn down numerous suitors multiple attempts to rub elbows or make marriage proposals had her gagging. Thankfully that stopped once she began her genin years and before she could break their bones.

Oh she was so glad she had begun to teach Naruto the thousand fists technique three months ago.

Now she just had to find the right boy repellent.

Extra small rash guard? Check.

The most embarrassing inner-tube available, a sickeningly sweet tooth rottingly cute giant duckie? Check.

Specialized kunoichi assassination weapons that were designed specifically for beach missions? Check.

* * *

“Tsunade-sama…” Shizune questioned not only her master’s sanity but her own. “Is all of this really necessary?” She asked, looking out over the assortment of weapons spread throughout their room, making it look more like the sannin was getting ready for a one woman war.

“Boys, Shizune, filthy boys with grubby little hands.” The blonde replied, not looking up from the senbon she was coating in paralytic toxin.

“I’m sure Naruto will be more than capable of handling any unwanted attention.” The noirette shot back, putting up a halfhearted fight as she knew that it was pointless since Tsunade had truly lost her rocker and gone off the deep end.

“You don’t know that, what if they…” And so she went on her tirade about the hormonal goblins that were prepubescent boys.

* * *

“Naruto!” Tsunade hollered, dressed in a bikini of her own, armed to the teeth with an assortment of beach paraphernalia and hidden ninja weapons tucked away where no one would think to look. Shizune was dressed like wise with an open jacket covering her arms and shoulders (minus the ninja gear) holding the umbrella and a pontoon of her own.

“But moooom!” Naruto whined, so close and yet so far away from hitting the waves and paddling about, inner tube already blown up and secured around her waist. By her side Tonton stood equally conflicted, wanting to hit the waves with Naruto but also not wanting to make Tsunade angry right off the bat. Said pig wore a specialized one piece swimsuit designed for small dogs and was equipped with a pair of water wings for safety.

“No buts, so get yours over here now.” She pointed a finger towards the ground in front of her, dropping the five or so duffel bags on the soft white sand while Shizune blatantly ignored what was going on to set up the umbrella and towels, reaching into the bag she carried for herself (swearing to the sage that if Tsunade hid an explosion tag in there she’d turn traitor and hand all the money they had to the next debt collector) and pulled out a romance novel she had picked up at the mall during their last shopping expedition.

“Cold, cold, cold, cold!” Naruto complained while her mother lathered the cold, SPF 50+, sunscreen onto her snow white skin.

“Oh, don’t be a baby,” Her mother chided her, making extra sure to rub an excessive glob across Naruto’s face. Out of the corner of her eye she caught some slimy bastard checking them out and made sure to shoot him a glare that sent him running to the ocean, one part to get away from the near homicidal woman, and the other to hide the growing wet splotch from where he’d pissed himself. “Aaaaaannnnndd, there!” She held her hands up, standing back to appraise her work.

Naruto looked more than nonplussed, shooting a traitorous look to her older sister figure who merely gave her a thumbs up while she kept reading. She wasn’t miffed about the rash guard, not even contemplating why her mom wanted her to wear the blue monstrosity with rubber ducks imprinted on it. But she was miffed about the thick visible layer of white paste slathered across her like albino peanut butter smeared across a sad piece of white bread.

There was so much sunscreen that you had to really look to see the whisker marks that had been smoothed over by the sheer amount of sunscreen rubbed into her face, almost like a face mask.

No one was able to see it because of the sheer amount of protective cream, but Naruto was getting red from embarrassment and frustration.

* * *

She had booze, she had sun, she had her daughter behaving for once as she happily munched away on a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Hell, she had a fuking tea pot ninja pig sitting in her lap taking a nap. What more could she want?

A lot actually.

But the current thing that ruining her perfect day was the feeling lecherous eyes from the many perverts stalking the beach looking at her and her cute little daughter.

Thankfully Naruto was too busy getting peanut butter off the roof of her mouth to notice.

The only thing that prevented her from going over and leaving them buried up to their necks in sand was Shizune, who loudly slurped on her empty non-alcoholic drink and shot the sannin the stink eye, long having mastered the art of Tsunade-whispering.

Fine!

She might not be able to harm them physically, but mentally?

Fair game.

“Na-Ru-To-Chan! Do you want to play a game with Kaasan?”

* * *

Haruto had come to the beach to soak up the sun, hit the surf, and check out the babes sunbathing. Who knew, maybe he’d get lucky!

But there was this one, this complete babe. Hot, blonde, young, killer figure, and a rack that could be seen from twenty miles.

But there were two things that prevented Haruto from making his move. Number one, she had a kid.  Just no.

Second? When he had been thinking whether or not to give it a chance, because you can’t miss every time, he had caught a glare from the smokin babe that had his nads scrambling for cover and desperately clawing to get back inside his body.

Deciding he didn’t want to wait a second time for his balls to drop, Haruto set to try his luck elsewhere.

Maybe when the mom and her progeny went off together he could make a move on their friend who was reading in the shade.

Maybe-

  
“Haruto!”

* * *

Tsunade watched with a barely concealed joy as the portly elderly woman scrambled over the hot sand to help her now unconscious son. Tsunade soon running over herself to retrieve the ball she and Naruto were _playing_ with.

“Wari wari,” Tsunade _apologized_ , “My daughter doesn’t know her own strength sometimes.” She picked up the ball before the woman fanning her unconscious son could say anything.

Should she feel guilty that she had weaponized her daughter against the poor unprepared beach goers?

Yes.

Did she?

No.

“Seven nothing!” She shouted once she returned to their impromptu volleyball court.

“But the ball hit the ground!” Naruto stomped her foot in protest.

“Yeah, out of bounds. Come on, let’s go!” She expertly set her daughter up for another meteoric strike on the next poor beach bum.

* * *

Shizune had seen battlefields after the war tore through them, hell, she had helped tear through them. It was all she could do to bury her nose further into her book, trying desperately to drown her own mind in the wonders that were Fabio and his rippling sparkling abs, and not be dragged into a war torn PTSD flashback.

_...I love you Y/N, but our families will never understand! Run away with me, so we can be together, forever… _

* * *

Water walking was one of the hardest things Naruto had ever done.

Harder than tree walking.

Harder than the thousand fists.

Harder than moving that god damn leaf and not becoming a god damn bush!

“You’re doing great sweetie!” Her mother’s dulcet, and slightly drunk, tones managed to get across the roaring waves to where Naruto was scrambling to stand upright.

It wasn’t so much the waves themselves, but more so the constant shifting of the water as it tried to go back out to sea. She was constantly adjusting the output of chakra to her feet, and that was when she was standing on two wobbly legs that made a newborn fawn look like a hundred year oak in comparison. So when she was sent sprawling on all fours, she was forced to send chakra into her hands or risk getting a face full of salty sea water, an endeavor she failed at nine times out of ten, resulting in her becoming very well acquainted with the taste of the world’s largest fishbowl.

Maybe if she just- Oh, no.

The water began to boil... again.

* * *

It was kind of impressive how spectacularly Naruto managed to fail, sending a massive geyser of water into the sky before plummeting down herself with a splash. Tsunade was quick to fish her out of the waves, giving her a quick once over for any damage she might have incurred before giving the girl (who was completely fine, it’s just salt water Tsunade-sama) a hearty slap on the back.

Looking at the rest of the havoc the duo had caused, Shizune found it rather tame all things considered.

The beach was littered with craters from where a single poor volleyball smashed into the earth with the strength of a rock from space, there wasn’t a single soul in sight (chased away by said volleyball), Naruto had caused no less than ten explosions from chakra alone, Tonton was more or less in one piece hiding under the umbrella with Shizune, and Naruto had managed to not blow off a limb. All in all a good day by Shizune’s low, low, very low, standards.

And without one of their dreaded money hunting bloodhounds in sight, it was threatening to take its place as one of her top ten days of the decade.

Now if only she could make Fabio real… maybe there was a jutsu she could find...


	8. Tsunade Needs Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade made a mistake and turns to the only person who can help her in this time of crisis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone order angst with a side of foreshadowing!
> 
> T&I - Torture and interrogation, think Ibiki.
> 
> KI - killing intent

How many years had it been since Hiruzen had heard from Tsunade? Nine? Ten? Eleven? The only reason he had never sent out a recovery team of hunter nin to go looking for her was because she left a nice paper trail in the form of gambling debts. If not for that, the third Hokage might have put more thought into the council’s belligerent demands of putting her back into the forces, her ability to disappear with nothing but the shirt on her back, leaving no evidence or indication in the direction she went, was truly a stroke of brilliance.

But angry loan sharks knocking on Konoha’s walls weren’t the only thing keeping him in the loop on his only female student.

The rumor mill was ripe with information if you knew where to look.

He was highly entertained with the slug princess’ turn of luck in the gambling world, with many a casino nearly being closed down after being hit by Tsunade.

They say that she came in on a  _ fowl  _ black wind, bringing in an air of desperation like a hungry wolf stumbling across a sickly lamb. The slot machines would rumble before bursting, the dice would explode after one roll, and the cards would foretell the holders doom! And perched atop her shoulder, smiling with a beastly grin, was a pale white demon that could suck the soul from a man just by looking at him with their pale dead eyes, their head adorned with a jagged crown of horns.

While much of what merchants and shinobi spread around was mere gossip exaggerated to a ridiculous degree, they usually held at least grain of truth to them.

Like the little girl that apparently tagged along, or the white demon as they put it.

As far as Hiruzen knew, she was Tsunade’s latest apprentice, a fact he had filed away where the nosy council couldn’t get their grubby power hungry hands on it. An orphan girl taken in under Tsunade’s wing at the age of four.

At least, that was the official story.

But one of his shinobi had managed to get a hold of the information at the capital that the girl was Tsunade’s adopted daughter. And while he was annoyed at Tsunade’s little games and the lack of trust she showed her old sensei, Hiruzen could understand why she did it.

After all, he himself had to fight a bi annually occurring battle with the council to drag Tsunade back to Konoha kicking and screaming and have her rejoin the forces. There was no imagining the monumental task it would become if they found out about Tsunade adopting a child outside of Konoha, with every traitorous accusation attached. They’d be lucky if she and her daughter weren’t dragged off to TI for a full debriefing.

But Hiruzen wasn’t here as the Sandaime Hokage, he was here as Sarutobi Hiruzen, friend and father figure, beloved sensei. Called out to this small farming community in Rice Country by his student in need.

Though what that need was he didn’t know.

But judging by how much effort Tsunade had taken to keep her daughter under wraps, it had to be big.

Walking through the dirt street, the third Hokage could easily be mistaken for an elderly man seemingly enjoying his vacation by stopping at one of the local hole in the wall bars.

In reality this was all an emergency set up meeting that not even his advisors were aware of. The location and time had been decided on by Tsunade who had initially reached out via summons and requested immediate aide for the brief window of time. It came out of the blue and the tiny Katsuyu-sama had stressed the need for secrecy and the importance of it being only him. Hiruzen had left behind a shadow clone before using a complicated reverse summoning jutsu to swiftly bring himself to the small town. The time chosen was perfect as it was when he was supposed to be sleeping, but if anything happened and Hiruzen was caught, there would be nothing he could do for Tsunade who would take the brunt of the damage from this scheme.

There!

Sitting at the bar, head in one hand and covering her eyes. A half drunk glass of sake sat before her, a single pale finger lazily tracing its rim.

Tsunade looked like she had the day she found out Dan and Nawaki died, too despondent to drink herself to death but trying nonetheless.

A deep weight settled in the pit of Hiruzen’s stomach, truly hoping that the worst hadn’t happened.

“Is she…” He trailed off, skipping the pleasantries and standing beside his student and ready to give her his support.

Tsunade leaned back, taking a deep shaky inhale as she leaned back before facing her old master with a saddened tear stained expression. “No,” She shook her head, looking like she wanted to say more before she stared deeply into the clear liquid, downing the rest and refilling the cup. “Take a seat.” She waved her hand towards the one next to her, filling a glass for him before chugging the one for herself.

“I’m getting old, Tsunade-hime,” He groaned as he sat down to join her, “Even sake is starting to lose its taste.” He mused as he watched his reflection in the tiny cup.

He didn’t get a response.

“What’s wrong Tsuna?” He dispersed with formality, this was his student, a girl he had practically raised and considered a daughter, and she was in distress. Panicked enough to reach out to him when she knew it would bite her in the butt.

Tsunade leaned back on her bars tool, watching the lazily spinning fan twisting above their heads as she thought to herself, her once vibrant twinkling eyes so full of ingenuity and care bogged down and clouded with self hate and doubt. Swallowing the dry lump wedged in her larynx, she asked him a question. “Have you ever heard of a clan that could regrow their bones?”

Hiruzen for his part, didn’t react outwardly. Internally though, he was a mess of nerves firing off. A thousand and one disaster scenarios running through his head.

Did Tsunade encounter remnants of the Kaguya clan?

Weren’t they wiped out?

Was her daughter…

“I have.” He answered diplomatically after a moment, trying to wheedle out information from his wayward student before he did anything definitive. If the worst came to be… Hiruzen just might have to drag Tsunade and her daughter to the village himself.

“And?”

“And what?”

“And are they part of a clan?” Tsunade slammed her hand on the bar, rattling the cups and shaking the shelves. Thankfully no one was around to witness the outburst and if they did they made themselves scarce, and quick.

Deciding her was going to need the alcohol a lot more now, he drank what was left in his cup, refilling it while he answered. “There is a clan known for a kekkei genkai that can manipulate bone, the Kaguya clan. Why?” He looked out of the narrowed corner of his eye.

“Because Naruto has the ability.” Tsunade ditched the cup and started to chug straight from the bottle.

Hiruzen let out a defeated sigh, knowing that the night was going to grow even more complicated before he left. With a small burst of chakra, he created a shadow clone and had it retrieve more alcohol from behind the bar before dispersing.

The two drank in tense silence, neither quite knowing how to proceed.

“What are they like?” Tsunade finally broke it, fingering the neck of one of the empty bottles on the known cluttered bar.

“You don’t know?” He looked at Tsunade taken aback, they might not have been well known but Hiruzen would have assumed Tsunade would have done more research before reaching out to him, especially if her daughter had the ability.

“Just found out today.” Tsunade informed him before she knocked back another glass before reaching for the bottle to chug.

The elderly man furrowed his brow in concern.  _ If Tsunade only just found out today… _

“They were a violent clan, bloodthirsty and brutal, but they didn’t  _ all _ have the bone manipulation technique, only a select few of them could. It was ranked as one of the most powerful bloodline jutsu abilities, with a nigh perfect defense that could be switched to a deadly offense in a split moment.”

“Were?” Tsunade quirked a brow and let out a deep mirthless chortle. “What happened to em?”

“They were wiped out.” He informed her darkly, sipping from his own cup, feeling not at all tipsy and nowhere near drunk despite the amount the two had drank.

“How long ago?”

“About…” Hiruzen had to dig deep in his memories for the date, Kiri was bold in their declaration to the world about their defeat of the dreaded clan, but had largely kept mum about the details. “Seven… maybe eight years ago, a decade at most.”

“Dammit!” Tsunade hurled the bottle she was drinking from onto the ground. The sound of it shattering echoed throughout the now deathly quiet establishment. Even the street seemed to soften its volume.

Hiruzen could feel his grip tighten on the cup he was holding, an old reflex he had never quite quit in times of stress, watching as Tsunade was breathing deeply in an effort to control herself, holding onto her hair in a white knuckle grip as she threatened to pull the strands out.

“You don’t think-”   
  
“Yes! No! FUCK!” She let go of her hair to hold her face in her hands, tears slipping past the shaking fingers.

Hiruzen put a firm hand on his former student's sobbing shoulder, gently shaking her until he had her attention. “Tsunade, what’s wrong?” He asked her, putting on a stern but comforting tone as he looked into the misty eyes of the Shodai Hokage’s granddaughter. He watched her face flip through a gambit of emotions.

Fear.

Anger.

Hatred.

Loathing.

Despair.

Sadness.

Before finally she settled on defeat, looking so small and young that Hiruzen could do nothing about the aching pain that wracked his own heart in sympathy for the broken woman.

“Why don’t we start from the beginning and work from there, hm?” He gently suggested.

Tsunade took a wet breath that wracked her whole body. “Ok,” She told him, wiping away the tears that had been falling. Hiruzen pulled a handkerchief out of his robes that Tsunade took with a quiet ‘thank you’ as she cleaned herself off.

And so she told him. About how she had made a stupidly drunk decision that she then made into a stupidly sober decision to adopt a seemingly abandoned child at a casino. About her own fears now that there might be some bastard family out there who would want Naruto back, or worse, dead. How it all lined up too perfectly now with the coinciding time Tsunade took in the lost baby and the death of the bone clan. But then she told him about the hijinks the four, mainly the mother and daughter, got into at casinos and anywhere else trouble was likely to come. Getting lost along more pleasant memories that were only possible because of Tsunade’s poor decision making skills. Which eventually led to the two of them sharing stories about Tsunade’s own youth, growing up with her teammates and her own failures during training once she started to talk to him about her daughter’s many accidents.

“Do you have a picture?” He asked, gently, wiping away a happy tear after they finished reminiscing about the time Jiraiya had gotten Orochimaru and Tsunade stuck with him in a giant bird’s nest on a mission to Kumo.

“Yeah, just… gimme a minute.” She began fumbling in one of her pockets before pulling out her wallet. She took the picture out with little difficulty, holding it up to her face that lost a lot of the mirth Hiruzen had fought so hard to bring back. But with a shaky hand, and a lot of hesitation visible on her features, she handed the paper over.

Hiruzen took it gingerly, giving the still distraught Tsunade a quiet ‘thank you’ and promising to give it back.

He couldn’t help the smile breaking across his face as he stared at the image, a picture of the four of them at the beach. “What’s her name?” He asked, gently smoothing out some of the wrinkles on the edge. The picture was taken at the beach, with Shizune-chan holding a swimsuit clad Tonton with a smile, and Tsuande standing next to her holding up a peace sign at the camera. Below Tsunade, stood a frighteningly pale young girl with a blinding smile and a matching peace sign held up as well.

_ And it seems the rumors about a horned devil might have some more truth than I initially thought! _ The old man chuckled. 

“Senju Naruto.” Tsunade answered him with no small amount of pride and Hiruzen barely managed not to choke. “What?” She leveled at him darkly after catching the slip in her old teacher’s composure, a small hint of a threat lurking just under the surface.

The old man barely bit back the curse, bemoaning his lack of control. “It’s nothing.” He tried to cover up, “Just a small coincidence.”

“And?” Tsunade let out the barest of Killing Intent, only a sliver of what she was probably feeling in her alcoholic state and holding the vast majority of it back with what control she had left.

“Well it's-” He looked at Tsunade’s narrowed eyes before letting out a defeated sigh of his own, “You probably haven’t heard, but Jiraiya has also adopted a girl, by the same name actually!” He remarked, what are the odds!

“You’re kidding, right?” Tsunade dropped the KI, “And you knowingly, and most importantly, willingly signed off on that?” She pointed an accusatory finger at him.

“Jiraiya’s not that bad.” Hiruzen defended both his student and himself, while deflecting from the very important  _ why  _ of handing off the girl to the Toad Sage. “You might be surprised by what he can do.”

“Ah huh, the man who peeps on women and writes smut for the male fantasy is in charge with raising a girl to be a healthy adult.”

“Well when you put it like that!” Hiruzen avoided eye contact and made sure that he didn’t have a copy of Jiraiya’s latest masterpiece on him.

“Well,” Tsunade quipped, lazily closing her eyes as she looked at her old mentor, “Regardless of both your, and his, questionable judgement in the proper environment to raise a lovely young lady, I have the better.”

“I’m sure you do.” He finished, sipping leisurely from his own cup. “But I assume you called me here for more than just to catch up after nearly a decade of radio silence and ask about a dead clan, or, nearly dead?” He leveled a calculated gaze towards Tsunade who quickly regressed back to her depressive mood from before.

“I fucked up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a two parter, and it kinda gets a bit worse before it gets better in the next chapter.
> 
> To answer some questions that are gonna be asked:
> 
> -No Hiruzen does not make the connection between Senju Naruto and Uzumaki Naruto because he only has memories of Naruto as a baby without horns and the beach day picture covers up the whisker marks from the sheer volume of sunscreen applied. And I know its a stretch but in all fairness canon Hiruzen was just as shitty a guardian of Naruto as this version so, neh!
> 
> -No Jiraiya does not know he was supposed to get Naruto and Hiruzen does not know that Jiraiya does not know because reasons that will be expanded upon later.
> 
> -I might clear up more in the comments if it doesn't spoil too much but no promises on that.


	9. Even Parents Stumble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not all good, but it's on the way to being good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood and mentions of death.

~Earlier that same day~

For once, training was going good. Her mother was off to the side reading up on some medical stuff while keeping a careful eye on her daughter’s training, and Naruto was practicing the thousand fists with a shadow clone of her mother, something she had been pestering the woman to teach her for some time.

The exercises mostly pertained to building strength as otherwise Naruto would liquidate her bones on impact if she were to go all out.

First she started out with a warm-up: 100 push-ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats, and a 10k run.

Afterwards they’d do something else, usually an intense game of tag or hide and seek that involved a lot of bruising if Naruto got caught. Today they were playing with specialized temari balls, just kicking it back and forth.

Of course, a regular mother daughter duo would be kicking it at a leisure pace, smiling and laughing. They did that too, but if someone were to put their head in the ball's trajectory path, they might not leave with it. There were many a crater and tree that had suspicious little round circular holes in them.

One of the main goals for today was for Naruto to stop the ball with her hands, hold it, and then drop kick it back, to slowly build her upper body strength.

“Is that all you got! Or do we need to warm up again!” Her clone mother hollered out like a drill sergeant.

Naruto was sweaty, she was out of breath, she was hungry, she was sore, and she was tired. No matter what she was doing she was running at a solid temperature of 100. She was constantly hungry, even after meals. And worst of all, she couldn’t sleep.

Naruto could never really remember what her dreams were about, only that she had them. But lately, they had been getting… weird.

It was only for the two hours she actually managed to sleep under the unbearable hot sweaty prison that was her own body that she could vividly recall the sensation. In her dreams she felt… tall, like really really tall, bigger than mountains tall. She felt powerful, unstoppable even during those dreams. But she also felt… empty. A gaping hunger that no matter what she did in the dream could never be sated. No matter how much she ate, how much she drank, she never felt full. And she also felt…

Lonely.

An alien sensation for a girl that had grown up knowing only the constant company of her little found family.

More often than not she’d wake up in a cold sweat and seconds away from crying as everything was ripped away from her in the dream, leaving her in an empty void as voices screamed at her from all sides.

She never told her mother about the dreams, knowing she might blow it out of proportion like the horns (which were totally cool by the way!) and think Naruto had contracted a brain eating parasite or something equally ridiculous.

At first, her mother waved the other signs off, thinking it was growing pains but promised to look into it, eyeing the growths on her head when she did so.

But lately she’d begun to fret, hovering over Naruto and keeping her cooped up in their hotel room, going so far as to extend their stay despite Naruto’s protestations.

She was just so frustrated at the moment she wanted to punch something.

So when the ball came at her she didn’t even think.

She just caught it in her open palm and chucked it right back at full strength, pumping more chakra than she should have.

And like the tree.

And like the water.

Something had to give.

* * *

Blood.

Blood.

Everywhere.

Bits of flesh and bone, embedded in the trees and dirt.

Her baby’s blood.

It was everywhere.

Her daughter was on the ground, screaming, crying, holding her hand, or what was left of it, as hot tears and snot rained down from her eyes and nose. Her baby’s bones, they were everywhere.

Tsunade couldn’t stop her eyes as they flew from the mangled flesh of her baby’s hand to where the shining white materials lay scattered around them. The part of her brain that was forever stuck on surgeon mode was counting out and mapping where each and every bone lay scattered around them like shrapnel from a bomb.

The distal phalanges of her baby’s thumb poked out from the bark of a nearby tree.

A lunate flashed cheekily in the sunlight as it sat innocently on the grass.

They were everywhere.

“Momma!”

She couldn’t-

They were just-

She did what she always did.

She ran.

* * *

Shizune didn’t know what to do.

When the shadow clone of Tsunade had shown up and told her that Naruto needed help, Shizune was ready for the worst. At least… she thought she was.

But finding a near comatose Tsunade trembling a good distance away from where Naruto was screaming in the distance for her… let’s just say nothing could have prepared her for what she came across.

Blood and bits of bone were everywhere, looking like someone exploded. And hurrying to Naruto’s side, she could understand why that idea made sense.

The girl was covered in blood, her own blood, staining her pale porcelain skin red as she clutched the bloody stump that was her hand.

She tried to calm Naruto down at first, clutching the small girl to her chest, ignoring the blood that was getting on her from the still bleeding hand and soaking into her clothes. She gently carded her hands through the long white locks stained with blood. She made small shushing noises, and told her everything would be all right.

And when she begged for Tsunade, screaming “mamma” - Shizune held her tighter and told her she would be back soon.

Her efforts didn’t calm the girl down though, if anything she started to panic more, preventing Shizune from getting a good look at the wound. And fighting an injured practitioner of the thousand fists, no matter their mastery, in close quarters is not something Shizune is equipped to deal with while trying to help the very same practitioner.

Making the hard decision, Shizune knocked the girl out with a swift chakra infused strike to the back of her head, knocking the girl into what was hopefully a blissful sleep unencumbered by the pains of reality.

Her next move was to assess the damage properly, knowing that Naruto would never truly recover from an injury like this. They might even have to amputate the now useless limb rather than sow it up and leave it a painful reminder of her failures.

But to her horror, she watched as the pit like holes in the red stained flesh filled with the white calcified surface of new bones growing right before her eyes. The flesh was soon to follow, knitting together in a swirl of blood and cells, leaving behind wispy tails of steam.

Shizune had heard and read many of the clan medical files, for both foreign and domestic shinobi. The first to come to mind were the Uzumaki with their long lives and remarkable ability to recover without exterior aid, Tsunade’s grandmother’s clan. She knew that the Hatake clan of Konoha had remarkable stamina and resilience, able to shrug off most attacks that would prove fatal to other shinobi. And she had even read of a clan from Kiri that could avoid damage completely by turning their bodies into liquid. But she had never, not once in her admittedly short life, ever read, seen, or heard of a natural healing factor like this.

It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention, every nerve grew taught, and her ears strained to pick up on anything remiss in their surroundings. All the while her eyes never strayed too far from Naruto’s hand, her perfectly fine hand.

The whole event had Shizune’s stomach curdling with unease.

Making up her mind, she took the unconscious girl still in her arms and retreated from the forest glade that looked as if a murder had taken place.

As she passed the still frozen Tsunade, Shizune could only feel pity, Tsunade refusing to meet Shizune’s eyes and looking anywhere but their blood-stained-selves. She didn’t even ask if Naruto was okay, merely huddled further in on herself.

“It’s okay Tsunade-sama,” The sannin jerked but refused to look anywhere but the distant point in the horizon she had settled on, “We’ll be at the hotel. Naruto’s fine, for now, and I’ll make sure she’s okay.”

* * *

_ ~At the Bar~ _

_ “I fucked up.” Tsunade told her master, feeling every bit like the twelve year old girl she once was. It was like her first mission, choking at the sight of an enemy and needing to be pushed aside before she could fight back. _

_ It was weird that she in some way owed Jiraiya her life once upon a time, something she had paid back tenfold if not a hundred. _

_ “What happened, Tsuna?” Hiruzen’s voice wasn’t harsh, upset, or angry, it was seeped with care and concern. There was nothing but genuine concern in his weathered old eyes and it hurt Tsunade to think about how long she had kept this ruse up for her own selfish reasons. _

_ It seemed karma was now working in full to remind her of that. _

_ “This bloodline, yes, I think Naruto has it!” She threw her hands up in defeat, not knowing what she was going to say so she just said whatever came first, “And today, today, she got hurt because of it, because of me.” She lost whatever steam had been built up, only able to picture the bloody mangled hand of her screaming daughter. “And, and, and, and instead of helping her, healing her, being there for her…” She couldn’t say the next words, too busy choking on the emotions she had been suppressing since this morning. “I just froze.” _

_ “Tsunade-” Hiruzen tried to interject, reaching a hand out. _

_ “I couldn’t even run, I just hid behind a fucking tree and listened while my daughter screamed for me. How could I do that to her? My baby girl…” She bit hard into her wrist, hot tears of anger and frustration running down her swiftly reddening face as the screams of her little girl echoed in the empty cavern she called a brain. _

_ “I’m supposed to be this miracle lady of the medical world and I can’t even help my daughter.” Her vision was heavily blurred by now as the tears refused to stop. _

_ Somehow, she managed to choke out a warbling laugh. _

_ “I really am a failure.” _

_ There was a slap and then Tsunade was on the floor, her brain eventually working past the tidal wave of emotions to realize that she was the one who was slapped. A hand hovered gingerly over where she was sure a red hand print was emblazoned on her face, one that would look eerily familiar to the hand held up by her former mentor. _

_ “Senju Tsunade,” He told her, no longer the frail old man he liked to appear as, but as her the Sandaime, no, her Sensei. “You are many things, but a failure is not one of them.” He lowered his hand, hiding it behind his back where she knew it was clasped tightly with his other. “I have allowed for you to run as you so desired throughout the five great nations under the belief freedom would help you recover from your trauma. And while you still struggle, you have grown much. Granted you have not taken the most traditional approach, but when have you or any of my students cared for traditions.” His hard gaze softened, “But if what you have shared with me today is true, not only have you made the selfless decision to raise and care for a child, but you even went so far as to keep it hidden from Konoha to secure not only your freedom, but that of your daughter’s. From the look of things, she seems happy and healthy. And speaking from experience,” Hiruzen pulled himself up to his full height, if he had a pipe he’d be taking a puff from it, “Raising a child is no easy feat, and I had a village to help.” _

_ “But you didn’t let your child mangle themself right in front of you!” She shot back with more vitriol than was probably worth it. _

_ A dark look crashed over the third Hokage, eyes distant. _

_ “No,” He started, now looking as bad as Tsunade felt, “No, instead I sent my son and his wife on a mission that they did not come back from, leaving their orphan son in my care.” _

_ A hand shot to Tsunade’s mouth in a vain effort to take back what was already said. _

_ “I- I didn’t know.” _

_ “No,” The man shook his head slowly from side to side. “And it is unfair of me to load such a burden onto you.” His face once more looked onwards into the distant past, and Tsunade somehow knew he was picturing the face of his late son and his wife. _

_ “But my point remains,” He looked at her in sympathy, “We cannot predict the worst, and we cannot always be there to make sure everything will go perfectly, hell, even when we are there there is no guarantee.” He chuckled bitterly to himself, no doubt remembering a story long ago, “But as parents we can only be there to help pick up the pieces. So why are you in a bar talking to an old man past his prime?” _

_ “Thank you, Sensei,” Tsunade picked herself up, looking around the room now destroyed. “For everything.” _

_ “It’s no problem, Tsunade,” He also looked around the room, somehow amused with how far things had gone. “And don’t worry about the mess, I'll take care of everything. Now go, go take care of your daughter.” _

_ “I will - and again, thank you Sensei.” She once more looked around the room in sheepish embarrassment, it really was a mess. _

_ “And Tsunade,” _

_ “Yes, Sensei?” _

_ “If you ever need anything, I just want you to remember, Konoha will always be your home.” _

_ “...” _

* * *

Everything hurt, she was hot, her brain felt like it had been sent through a sausage maker and then packed back into her skull along with ten herbs and spices, and her entire left side felt numb. She didn’t remember what brought her to this point, or much of the last week in general, only the color red. That and… planets?

There was something touching her, running along her scalp.

A hand?

Everything was so hot, she felt like she was going to melt.

She tried to open her eyes, trying to ask who was there only to mumble something instead. It was dark, it had to be nighttime which didn’t make sense because while she couldn’t remember what happened for the past several days, she did at least know it had been morning not too long ago… maybe…

The person said something to her, and she felt them do something to her forehead.

And while she still couldn’t string a coherent sentence together in her brain, much less aloud, and that her brain still felt like leprechauns were tap dancing on her skull, and she felt hot. So so so so so hot. She also felt safe.

* * *

“It’s alright Naruto, Kaasan’s here, it’s alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes there was a One Punch Man reference, thank you for noticing.


	10. *Insert Training Montage Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto trains to master the healing technique, while Tsunade is put through the wringer with her own training hell.
> 
> And like always, Shizune is forced to watch the madness unfold.
> 
> Gonna put the warning for blood here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just short sequences but it's a better recovery then what we got in canon.

In true training arc fashion, Tsunade had dragged Naruto to the tallest mountain range in fire country. The Burning Jigoku Mountain range, where the hot burning days could burn you to a crisp and the nights could freeze the blood if you stayed out too long unprotected.

“Come on, come on!” Naruto grit her teeth as she focused chakra to her hands, trying desperately to revive her current aquatic victim. Beads of sweat soaked into her clothing and made the hot humid heat of the midday sun all the more unbearable.

She still couldn’t remember what happened that one week in the land of rice. All she had to go on were her mother’s words and Shizu-nee backing her up. It wasn’t that she didn’t think it didn’t happen, her hand exploding and then regrowing, or that her once invincible mother had a massive fear of blood (Which really came as a shock to the girl who thought there wasn’t anything her mom couldn’t do), or that she had apparently “left” Naruto all alone bleeding and afraid.

Naruto… just didn’t care.

From her point of view, it never happened, she had been knocked unconscious and then her bones regrew themselves. Other than the occasional ache and pain, she really didn’t have any solid memories of the event. And even if she did, it just wasn’t in her nature to hold it against her adoptive mother who had shown her nothing but love and the utmost care since Naruto could first remember.

And aside from the metric boatload of Ramen her mom had quite literally shovelled down Naruto’s throat in an effort to buy her baby girl’s forgiveness (a bribe that was readily accepted), Tsunade was enduring her own version of hell in order to be there for Naruto in the future.

But that meant that Tsunade was otherwise preoccupied with her own training, having commandeered Shizune to help with her unorthodox therapy. So Naruto worked under the watchful eye of her mother’s shadow clone.

“Remember, Naruto, too little and you will accomplish nothing more than wasted chakra, too much and you will repeat your last twenty attempts for the day.” The sannin’s eyes didn’t give any indication of where they were looking, but Naruto would bet her secret stash of ramen that the woman was eyeing the pile of fish fried to varying degrees of crispness.

“I heard you the first dozen times!” Naruto hollered, annoyed and sweaty which was historically not a good combination for her to be in.

“Naruto-san, you did it again.”

* * *

“There goes another one.” Shizune remarked, Tonton nodding her head in agreement from her vantage point on the noirette’s shoulder. A fair distance away a great plume of dust rose into the sky, growing heavenward like some mutated giant brown mushroom.

Behind the woman and pig, Tsunade screamed, “Shizune, Shizune, I changed my mind, I don’t wanna do this!”

“But Tsunade-sama, you said, and I quote, ‘No matter what I do, don't let me out, no matter how much I beg, scream and cry!’”

“I know what I said, now I’m saying to not listen to me and let me out!”

“Got it, don’t listen to you. In that case, I’m not letting you out.”

“Don’t get smart with me and let me out… KKKKKKyyyyYYAAAAaaaaahhhHHHhhhh!”

* * *

“So I was thinking-” Naruto began, putting her bowl of charred fish soup down as she looked towards her neesan with pleading wide eyes.

“Absolutely not.” Shizune shut that nonsense down without a second though, with Tsunade more or less off to the side moping, that left Shizune to be the adult (a task she often fulfilled anyways).

“But you said-”

“No.”   
  


“But wouldn’t it be best if I at least knew how-”

“No.”

“Give me one good reason, come on, nothing bad happened last time and-”

“Naruto,” Shizune stared long and hard at the short horned girl. For whatever reason, since they had told her about her heritage, Naruto had been insistent on learning techniques of the Kaguya clan. “Aside from our obvious lack in knowledge to the Kaguya clan in general, there is a serious risk of you getting hurt, the pain alone from the last time when you accidentally-”

“But that was before I knew I could do it, now that I know we can-”

“We can wait until Tsunade finds more information about the Kaguya clan. As it is we’d be going in blind, and there’s no guarantee you’ll regrow your bones the next time.”

“But I-”

“But nothing.” Shizune stared the frustrated pout of Naruto down, a truly difficult task.

Their conversation was cut short once Tsunade returned from the river, having washed away much of the evidence from her day of training. Neither Naruto or Shizune wanted to remind her of her episode, but the tense atmosphere gave the sannin an idea why. She gripped the edge of her bowl, close to shattering it, watching her reflection in the murky liquid.

Downing the disgusting contents, disgusting because the fish were cooked to a wide variety of charred, she stood up and marched back the way she came.

“Tsunade-sama, where are you-”

“Training!” She shouted back, looking over her shoulder and making eye contact with her adopted daughter who quickly matched her enthusiasm.

“Yosh!” Naruto abruptly stood up, fists pumped in the air and sending what remained of her fish and vegetable broth stew onto the hard packed dirt of their campsite. “I’m gonna master this by the end of the week!”

* * *

One may wonder what it is they have to do to work through a phobia; deep meditation, pondering the reasons for why they are afraid, hypnosis, confronting their fears on the psijic plane…

Tsunade did none of these things.

Instead, like many things involving the sannin, Tsunade went directly to brute force and sheer obstinate will power to get her through it.

To paint a better picture, imagine exposure therapy, a valid idea in practice to handle a phobia over an extended period of time, except over a period of a few weeks and more likely to cause more trauma than repair it.

So strapped to a chair, with several layers of chakra suppression seals applied liberally to her chair, Tsunade sat patiently (ok, not patiently but you get the idea) with her head  looking forced into a position that only allowed her to watch as the red drop of liquid slowly dripped down onto her forehead. Above her, a complicated contraption was set up to allow a variety of aquatic animals to slowly bleed out and cause a light drizzle of blood to fall around her.

To the average observer, it looked suspiciously like torture, which is what it was based off of, torture.

“Shizune…”   
  


The bottom tip of the device was primed to send a fat droplet of bloody fluid falling down right squarely onto her forehead.

“Shizune…”

“Hmm?” The noirette hummed in response for the first time, having been off to the side the entire time reading up on the little information Konoha had on the Kaguya clan and the plethora of information Konoha had on bones.

“Shizune, I think I’m good for today, let me out.”

“Hmm, did you say something?”   
  


“Very funny, now let me out... now!”

Shizune’s eyes rolled into the back of her sockets, another plume of dust rose into the air and juxtaposed an otherwise odd choice of background choices into the picturesque mountainous. She let out a deep humm from the back of her throat as she weighed her options.

On the one hand, no.

On the other hand, also no.

“No.” She finally settled on, a possible third option now that she thought of it.

“Shizunaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!”

* * *

Once the mountain stream was purged of the aquatic inhabitants, the group of women were forced to improvise after Naruto opened up some free riverside real estate for the mountain inhabitants.

Enter Naruto’s latest batch of victims, gold fish.

So after hiking down the mountain, and then back up, they once more started their training, with Tsunade now able to handle blood to a certain extent, namely in smaller amounts.

So while Naruto worked on her latest batch of victims, Tsunade worked beside her by giving Naruto a detailed anatomy lessons as she performed appendectomies on captured frogs.

Unfortunately, much of the learning was cut short by the smell of smoke and burning fish…

  
  


It was on goldfish number 82 that Naruto finally managed to resuscitate the aquatic denizen, having given them a free vacation to the afterlife. And in honor of her accomplishment, she decided to name him… Stormageddon.

* * *

One year, that’s how long they had spent on the mountain, and all three of the women had very different interpretations of their time spent there.

To Naruto, it was like heaven on Earth. She had learned so much, Iryō Ninjutsu, had practically mastered the thousand fists, and had secretly begun working on her bone techniques after sneaking a glance at Shizu-nii’s books. The only downside being she couldn’t gamble (something her mother was equally upset about) but had managed to substitute the beloved activity by cleaning both her mother and Shizu-nii out of house and home.

Shizune, could liberally be referred to as apathetic in regards to her time spent on the mountain, mostly being the one responsible for Naruto not blowing up and pushing Tsunade to get over her phobia. In her spare time she read up on the Kaguya clan, which essentially boiled down to three things. They were crazy suicidal bastards who died fighting Kiri a few years ago. They could shoot and regrow their bones. And the more peaceful of their members were regarded as some of the best musicians in the five shinobi nations once they successfully distanced themselves from their clan.

That just left Tsunade, who had had the most miserable time on that accursed rock and would honestly be happy to never leave the city again. She had gotten over the majority of her phobia, with Shizune and her agreeing that the only way to actively be sure was for her to either perform an invasive surgery on some schmo, or for Tsunade to quite literally make someone explode. Seeing as the latter was liable to getting them arrested, pesky laws that would make the viable option much less so.

So until someone on death’s door came knocking on their own, it was time to hit the casinos.

The casinos that had grown fat and complacent during the Tsunade’s leave. Their security on the lower end of their one high budget, lax and not prepared to see through either a simple disguise or an ingenious jutsu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe out there.


	11. Naruto and B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn just a smidgeon more about Naruto thanks to the efforts of a fellow jinchuriki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to post how old Naruto is in the chapter notes but not today! Naruto is 11 and a half!
> 
> And while I'm sure the events of Tsunade and A arm wrestling took place much earlier than where I'm placing it, I just couldn't resist.

Naruto often wondered what other people's dreams were like.

Did they have the same one over and over again?

Was it always the same with the only changes being minor details?

Did they wake up in a cold sweat and unable to remember why?

She would have asked someone, anyone really, but then again it was hard enough making friends and holding onto them when you never really settled down in one place for too long.

So she decided that delusion was the best way to cope with it, choosing to believe that everyone had the same weird dreams over and over again.

At least she had one consolidation for the weirdness of her dreams- she had another version.

This other version was a bit more common than the other one but no less strange, just in a different, albeit welcome, strange.

Nothing good happened in this other dream, nor did anything bad happen. It was just… ok.

In this dream, Naruto always found herself on a tiny planet that orbits a distant sun, it was always daytime no matter what side of the planet she stood on, and calling it a planet was really an overstatement as it was more along the lines of a small moon.

The reason she liberally called it a planet was because it wasn’t like the actual moon. This rock floating in an eternally sunny blue sky, complete with clouds, was coated in soft green grass and dotted with patches of colorful flowers. Occasionally she’d find a tiny insect that’d crawl or flutter away, usually a butterfly or the occasional dragonfly. Once she found a praying mantis!

She wasn’t on the only rock, there were others.

Eight to be exact!

They were perhaps the weirdest part of her dream. From what she could tell they all had their own different terrains.

One was a sandy desert.

Another, a verdant tiny jungle.

One was just a black void, a physical sphere of darkness. Occasionally, whenever the blob got close enough, she’d see the surface ripple as something seemed to swim underneath it, but she could never be sure.

The closest one today, or rather tonight, was a scraggly rock like world dotted with tide pools and coral reefs. It even had miniature seagulls floating above the tiny crashing waves.

Oh! That was the oddest thing about the dream, the planets didn’t seem to have a set order.

Sometimes they get closer, sometimes farther, and Naruto could never tell what was the driving force that determined their orbit and proximity to her little patch of oddness.

Today though, that rocky water world was really close, like 500 meters above her close. Naruto had never been so close to one of the other planets before.

_I wonder…_ She thought to herself, laying down on the soft grassy surface of her own little world, a fistful of flowers squeezed in one of her hands as she gazed up at it. She could swear it was inching closer. _Can I make the jump?_

Getting up at a lazy pace, Naruto began to hop up and down, the low gravity and the fact that this was still technically a dream meant that she was quickly gaining altitude. One more jump and she’d be good to go, crouching down low and pumping imaginary chakra into her legs, she made the leap.

Her fingers just brushed the rocky surface when a thought came to her.

_Wait, shouldn’t gravity from this world have kicked in like half a-_

To say Naruto fell flat on her face with the grace of a drunken bird coming in for a hard landing was an understatement.

“Ow.” She sat on her ass with a ‘wumpf’ and rubbed at her sore face, eventually getting up to explore.

She moved from tide pool to tide pool, kicking the occasional rock into the crystal blue depths before moving on to the next. It was marginally more exciting than her own in the fact that there was just as much to do but with different scenery.

She guessed she could go swimming… but most of the pools seemed to go on forever, vanishing into the abyss below where all light was swallowed up.

It was tempting, thoughts of diving into the blue depths to explore further. Surely in a dream she’d never need to breathe. But as she gazed at one of the shallower pools, with a single corally crack, she thought better of it.

There was a sensation that she wasn’t alone on this world, despite the apparent barren state of it, and she was feeling more and more like an unwanted intruder.

Feeling it was time to leave, Naruto hopped back to her world, not noticing that the bottom of the tide pool had vanished.

* * *

**B** , Gyuuki surprised the Lightning Jinchuriki with how subdued the tailed beast’s tone was.

B could only hum in response as he and Amai made their way to the planned regroup point. The mission had gone off fairly well and they had just acquired the Cedar Village Hidden Jutsu scroll when A had them break up to reconvene. It was rather a bummer for the Jinchuriki that had been locked down from missions for ages because of his bro’s paranoia.

**I just saw someone.**

B came to a halt, kneeling down and extending his senses for the slightest trace of an enemy.

“What is it?!” Amai came to a stop as well a few branches ahead of him.

“Where?” B asked, Amai quickly putting two and two together and getting into a defensive stance as well while B waited for the hachibi to answer.

**In here… I didn’t really get a good look at her before she vanished.**

“Her?”

**A little girl…**

“Where?” He reiterated, the medic-nin accompanying him was sweating as he tried to help pinpoint the kunoichi the tailed beast had caught sight of.

**No. Not out there, in here!**

“You mean-”

**In the mindscape.**

“What a deep dark mystery! If this girl comes at us she’ll soon be history!”

...

**Way to kill the mood.**

* * *

Naruto for once was left on her own to do as she pleased despite being in a village close to Lightning. So when she wasn’t with her mother or Shizu-nee, Naruto was made to promise to keep up a henge, not a difficult task in and of itself, she had plenty of chakra to spare, but it meant she couldn’t practice with her bones in secret.

And after being told plenty of horror stories about the bloodline stealing ninja from lightning, not even Naruto would be foolish enough to tempt fate.

So with vibrant yellow-blonde hair and popping blue eyes, she sat a bit away from the gambling village they were currently holed up in reading up on the body's tenketsu. Her mom had told her about some of the Konoha bloodlines once Naruto had weeded more about the bone manipulation technique out of her. The one to stick had been the Hyuuga who could see in near 360 degrees, but that wasn’t what caught her attention about them. What caught her attention was their ability to manually shut off or keep open the body's tenketsu. And while Naruto knew she would never be able to do that, she did know that she could memorize the largest and most vital of the points and then find the cross section between the two and weaponize them herself.

Of course this was a huge gamble in and of itself, requiring precision that the thousand fists lacked, but the large majority of people had the same chakra networks with only minor differences in pathways and precise locations of the tenketsu. So ergo, with enough practice, Naruto should be able to do it herself going in blind. Of course it would only really work on a stationary, a very stationary, target, but with enough practice she might be able to hit two or three on a moving target if she really committed them to memory.

Sure they might not do much more than really irk an opponent, but then wouldn’t that be just enough edge to get under their skin and really do some damage.

She was in the midst of committing the part about how the body reacts on its own by flaring the tenketsu of limbs under attack from pathogens and poisons when a loud persistent noise worked its best to distract her from her super important task.

“My name is B and I’m on a mission, my good old friend has one big suspicion. I gotta find this girl and I’m gonna make her hurl, with my sick beats and… and… and…”

Grabbing a nearby rock, Naruto hucked it as hard as she could in the general direction of the nuisance with no real intent to hit it. Really she just wanted to scare them off. If they were normal (which they weren’t) they’d do the smart thing and run away from the rock that just ended a two hundred year old tree’s life.

“Do you take me for a fool, ya fool!” The voice appeared beside Naruto’s ear, immediately raising every last one of her hackles.

“Did you just rhyme fool with fool!” She cried, swinging for where she heard the voice coming from, intent on smashing their face into the ground for that particularly pitible rhyme.

“You bet I did, and you shoulda hid. Cause now B!” The most obnoxiously dressed man Naruto had seen in her life (and that was saying something) screamed and pointed at himself. Seriously, did the man have something against the tops of shirts or something? “Is gonna teach the fool a lesson, ya fool!” He once more rhymed fool with fool.

And as Naruto’s body had a propensity to flare up her veins at the slightest provocation, she didn’t so much develop a tick as her whole body visibly began to beat in tune with her heart as she swung for the still rhyming man who essentially danced out of the way. She managed to hit the ground, but not the man and that only made her angrier as he continued to call her a fool.

But that wasn’t the worst insult he threw her way.

“Here I am about to take out the trash! Gonna show this girl why she shouldn’t thrash! Maybe if she weren’t so short-”

Now, there were many things Naruto had to accept about herself. Her veins had a horrid propensity to pop out at the slightest exertion. She was whiter than paper and could easily turn tomato red from sunburn. And she had horns growing out of the top of her head. She was fine with these things, they were cool and what made her stand out from the rest of the world’s populace.

What she couldn’t handle, was being called short.

If there was one thing no one did to Naruto (in order), it was: take her ramen, talk bad about her mom and sister, and make any derogatory comment about her height… actually… any comment about her height.

Even her beloved mother was not free from consequence in regards to Naruto’s vertical challenge, being punished with a week’s ban on hugging if she was caught talking about it.

“What did you just say!” She ripped a tree out of the ground and tried taking the intruding shinobi to bat.

This is how it went for the next few hours, with Naruto doing her best to beat the damn rapping twit into submission. Their fight could liberally be called the world’s deadliest game of whac-a-mole as Naruto aimed in particular for the weirdo’s annoying rapping head.

Naruto had managed to get a few good hits in, but nothing strong enough to really knock him good, at most it was only a few glancing blows. Maybe one cracked rib if she was lucky.

“For a girl you hit good, no one should mess with you, understood! Then again I’m B, yeah!”

“Somehow,” Naruto huffed a deep breath, leaning forward heavily, still holding onto the massive tree that was thicker than she was tall, “even your compliments are pissing me off.”

“I meant no offense, so don’t be dense. Now that we’ve had a good fight it's only natural to make right.” He held out a fist after approaching Naruto slowly. “Bro?”

Naruto hated to admit it, but this dude was good, better than her at least, definitely not better than mom.

Bowing her head in reluctant defeat, she looked back up with fire in her eyes before meeting her fist with her own.

“Bro.”

* * *

A hated the idea of luck. Luck was for those that didn’t put in the time and effort to enhance their skills. It led to complacency and idle behavior that left one open to attack from all sides.

The irony then was not lost on him after he had put his comrade’s life in the hands of a woman who relied on luck to make a living.

“My brother should be this way,” He pointed down the street in the direction he could feel B’s chakra. “Thank you for your help.”

“No problem.” The sannin responded rather lackluster, and just this once, A would let the disrespect go for addressing him so casually. Tsunade, a member of a foreign village that had always had a tense relationship with his own, did agree to helping him with minimal fuss, even if her work seemed a bit shaky at first.

He hid his annoyance that they were walking down the same road.

“Do you have something to do down this way?” He asked, trying to gauge the legendary medic’s reaction.

“I do, so it seems we’ll be sticking together for the time being.” The woman replied with a saccharine smile, revealing nothing of her motives as they continued.

To the average citizen, the two seemed to be walking with an amicable air between them. But to even a fresh genin back from their first D rank, the air was unbearably tense. Both of their entourages, Amai and Karai for A and Shizune and the pig for Tsunade, were on edge and watching their respective leader's back.

“It’s been nice.” He said outside the karaoke bar he knew B was in at the moment, and while he suppressed much of his ire that his brother would end up here of all places, he couldn’t help the tiny tick that developed on his forehead.

“So it has.” Tsunade replied with false pleasantness, walking inside with little fanfare.

The Raikage followed close behind, and the two jostled on their way to where B was. Rage was burning in both of them, and while A didn’t know Tsunade’s own motives for heading in the suspiciously same direction, he didn’t have to like them.

“B!”  
  


“Naruto!”

The two shouted angrily in sync, before their brains shut off at the scene in front of them.

It looked like B was rapping (typical really) with a tiny blue eyed blonder version of Tsunade. Everything from the clothing to the heels, to even the cursed kanji that proudly proclaimed _gambling_ to the world on the back of her top were the same. The only difference was that where Tsunade had two ponytails that went down to about mid back, the girl had one singular ponytail that went down to her knees.

“My name is B, I am jinchuriki! And dontcha know, today I’m hanging with my new friend, Naru-toh! She’s the girl that can bring down the hammer, swinging it around with all sorts of glamour! We’re the best of pals now, one round later, fightn’s good with your friends and it can only make you greater!” For once B’s raps didn’t seem too bad, for once, and while he was going on about the magic of friendship- the Mini-nade was laying down a solid beat for his idiot brother. His idiot brother who just let out the common secret of his jinchuriki status to a random brat of all people, let alone who knows how many people who were listening in.

“B!”  
  


“Naruto!”

The two powerhouses once more hollered, this time punctuating their outrage with a swift beating to their respective idiots head.

“I’ll promise to never speak of this if you will.” A offered the Konoha shinobi an out.

“Speak of what?” She coyly asked, holstering the girl over her shoulder before leaving, making sure to wave over her unencumbered shoulder as she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end of this work I'm honestly jittery with excitement. The only clue that I'm gonna give is that Hiruzen is putting some pieces together off screen for now.


	12. One Last Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's only fitting to go out in a blaze of glory.

Hiruzen was pissed.

No, beyond pissed.

His anger and rage was washing off the Professor in massive waves and setting every shinobi within a mile radius on high alert.

Before him sat the cause of his wrath, two fold with ninety percent of the blame falling squarely on the shoulders of a ninja he thought he could trust despite his attitude problems. The other ten percent was reserved for the blissfully ignorant idiot who had chosen the wrong time to pop back into Konoha and set Hiruzen’s world on fire.

The main cause of this near world ending disaster, Mizuki, sat strapped to a chair and left a drooling mess after T&I had a very pleasant chat with him over the past two weeks with no rest.

And everything had come to light.

And Hiruzen only had himself to blame.

He had been the one to send Mizuki with the infant Uzumaki Naruto.

He had been the one to accept the mission as completed with no proof.

He had been the one to remain lax in his communications with his students and not check on the supposed Naruto’s growth.

Turning his gaze from the drooling mess that would soon be sent to prison if Hiruzen didn’t cut his head off on public display for this severe treachery, he found Jiraiya who looked equally as enraged as his former teacher.

Now, it was not entirely Jiraiya’s fault, if anything the fault should lay solely with Hiruzen for his incredibly monumental lack of oversight in regards to his late successor’s only child.

But for now he could do nothing more than curse Jiraiya’s lack of communication with him.

Only twelve years later did this mistake come out of the woodwork to bite him in the ass after Jiraiya appeared on a whim.

Asking about how Naruto was doing had been the start of all this madness. A simple conversation between master and student to catch up and check on Konoha’s jinchuriki’s status.

_“I thought Naruto was with you.”_

Fortunately, there had been enough clues for Hiruzen to put the pieces together all too nicely, with only a few things sticking out like a sore thumb that made him doubt his theory.

The Lucky Duck casino.

Twelve years ago a newly promoted chunin was given the important mission of delivering an otherwise innocuous baby to Jiraiya. A baby he abandoned after getting drunk and having a night of fun to celebrate his recent promotion.

And who should happen to be at that same casino twelve years ago and just so happen to adopt a baby that had been seemingly abandoned?

A child that, once they got over some of the glaring problems, looked eerily similar to her biological parents when they were her age.

There was only one thing left to make sure.

“You know what you have to do.”

* * *

This was her element, amongst both the scum of the Earth and those belonging to high society, and not to mention the scum of high society. Yes, the world of gambling was truly where she belonged, nothing got the blood pumping better then when you bet your entire livelihood on the whimsical outcome of two colorful inanimate objects.

The only problem was that Tsunade and Naruto had dove headfirst on the unsuspecting casinos that were ripe for the taking, having grown fat in the nefarious duo's absence. But that had been their mistake, they should have waded in, one toe at a time. But in going hard they had sent the lemmings panicking and into the waiting arms of whatever shinobi they could hire.

The casino they were in was so packed with Shinobi on the prowl, and no doubt hidden among the crowd, that Tsunade and Naruto had to go old school and suppress much of their chakra. A henge wouldn’t work so they used disguises.

Tsunade was your typical blonde slutty country bumpkin that could barely do math, with her ass and her bust practically exposed for all to ogle. Something she was using to her full advantage as the men around her either leered at her assets on display or averted their gaze out of embarrassment. None of them thankfully looked too long at Naruto who was disguised likewise.

Well… not exactly likewise.

“Nine black...” The casino dealer grumbled, shoveling the mountain of chips Naruto’s way.

“Nine black, did you hear that baby!” The crusty blind old man that Naruto was disguised as, wearing an old moth-eaten robe, pitch black sunglasses, and the lamest hat they could find in a golf course gift shop to cover up her horns. The _baby_ she was referring to was one of two shadow clones she had popped into existence before dressing them up as sugar babies.

She was so proud, watching her baby play the part of an old perverted man to a T, feeling up her clones for added measure.

She was too busy mentally drooling over the pot of gold Naruto was now shoveling away for safekeeping to entertain the question of if her daughter just technically masterbated in public or not.

She was still able to play her part though.

“Oh, damn, and here I thought I’d win! Oh well, y'all wanna go another round?” She puckered her lips like a duck as she presented the suitcase full of cash to entice the other actual suckers into gambling more in a bid to regain their losses by capitalizing on the supposed dumb blonde that was hemorrhaging money.

“At this rate pretty lady, you’re gonna have to start gambling the clothes off your back to pay the bills.” Naruto wheezed, really hamming it up as the crusty old geezer who couldn’t keep his hands to himself. It took everything she had not to wipe the single tear of pride from her eye.

“Place your bets.” The dealer sighed in defeat, having already shoved a metric ton of chips Naruto’s way after she kept making bet after bet without being wrong a single time.

“Let it ride!” Naruto shoved the pile back onto the table, much to the growing horror of the dealer and the casino owners who watched from the side. A few ninja passed by but they must not have sensed anything, with only one or two making sure to watch and ensure nothing hinky was going on.

Tsunade placed her own bet.

Around and around the little ball ran while Tsunade swirled a lock of hair absentmindedly. Whether she won or lost meant nothing, there was very little that Naruto’s natural luck couldn’t overcome when it came to gambling. Even if they lost this round, they already had over ten times the amount on the table back at the hotel. Not to mention they had historically come back on nothing more than half a ryō and managed to send that particular casino that had serviced them into bankruptcy.

A round of surprised exclamation brought Tsunade back to reality as everyone was pointing in astonishment towards the board.

Naruto had lost, for the first time in a month the little devil had lost at gambling. Now this wasn’t a big deal in and of itself, Naruto losing did occasionally happen.

But the outcome had swung into Tsunade’s favor, after she had spectacularly lost every bet she had placed that day.

With an even bigger pile of money shoved her way, Tsunade stared at it like it was going to bite her.

The combination of Naruto losing and her winning could only be an omen of the worst kind.

She caught her disguised daughter’s gaze, or at least she thought she did with the black glasses in the way. Thankfully, everyone was still too busy congratulating her to notice the brief but silent conversation between mother and daughter.

“Mah,” Naruto smoothed over in an old scraggily voice, “Can’t win every time.” Her white eyebrows raised ever so slightly in deep thought before a smile broke across her face. “Yosh! I’m gonna recover my losses this next round! You in, girly?” Naruto challenged Tsunade with a gloatful smirk, leaning back into the waiting arms of her _entourage_.

“Well darn, I never thought that was gonna work. But like my daddy always said,” She let the country twang slip into her tone, putting an arm under her breasts to help further distract those surrounding the table, “When your luck is turning round, make it last! Let it ride!” She pushed the cash forward.

While other people put down their bets, feeling better about their odds now that the _old man_ had finally lost, Tsunade and Naruto, along with her clones, subtly looked around for trouble.

And trouble they found.

The place was now swarming with ninjas but not just any ninjas, Konoha shinobi.

They were going booth to booth and table to table looking for something or someone. And Tsunade had a sinking feeling she knew who.

Carefully and as naturally as possible, she pulled on her pigtail that she had been holding, the sign that she and Naruto were to get out of here as fast as possible.

The old man that was Naruto pushed her black glasses up the bridge of her nose, the sign that she had got the message.

She had to swallow the lump in her throat when she won the round.

“Ah daddy, this table’s bust, let’s go back to the room and have some fun!” One of the clones propositioned.

And Naruto ran along with it, hopping off the stool in all her 140cm glory. It really helped to sell the old man image as she and her entourage weaved through the crowd of fellow statistic’s junkies out of the casino and towards their hotel where Shizune was waiting for them, likely with a displeased but silent retort ready.

Tsunade was quick to follow, shoveling the money into a ridiculously large money sack. Giving some excuse about needing to be back to the farm before curfew.

She got out of the casino with little trouble, managing to avoid the Konoha shinobi on the prowl.

But she was still worried, she could sense the Anbu hidden around the town afterall.

She wouldn’t be safe until she made it back to the hotel.

* * *

“You’re sure it was her?” Hiruzen held the image of a woman who looked vaguely like his old student, trying to remain dignified as a trickle of blood escaped his nostril at the sight of the scantily clad and busty blonde, before turning his attention to Jiraiya who nodded.

“I would recognize that bust anywhere.”

* * *

“Get back here!”

“Stop!”

“We have orders to-”  
  


“Like hell you do!” Tsunade shot back over her shoulder, running as fast as she could while a giant sack of money several times her weight was slung over her back. Likewise, Shizune and Naruto ran just a little bit behind them as they hurried through the streets while being chased by Konoha shinobi.

Did they have a good reason for bringing her in?

Probably.

Did Tsunade want to find out what it was?

Not at all.

So they ran.

Even Tonton was in on it, a sack of money slung over her body, of course it was cut down to size so the little ungulate could still run at maximum overdrive.

“Left!” She shouted, and her companions followed without a second thought.

Of course this was the moment that her luck ran out and she had chosen a dead end.

“Shit!” She shouted before an idea came to mind. “Naruto!” She shouted, throwing out a hand for her daughter to take.

“Hai!” the little albino girl caught on quick, grabbing the offered limb before she was thrown forward by Tsunade using all her strength.

“Let’s go!”

“Out of the way!”

They both shouted as Naruto was thrown forward, smashing her leg into it with a perfect kick and knocking the barrier down. The force of the throw sent her a bit ways forward as she skidded to a halt in the middle of the street. A good thing as it took the girl a second to regain her balance, just in time for Tsunade, Shizune and Tonton to meet her and resume their flight away from the pursuers behind them.

“Again!” Tsunade shouted as they met a similar dead end.

Except this time when they go to the other side, their pursuers had a trap waiting for them.

A series of spotlights lit up their position nicely, and Tsunade had to bite back a curse.

“It’s been a long time, Tsunade.” She knew that lecherous voice anywhere.

“Jiraiya!” She traced her eyes to where she knew the voice was coming from, finding the white haired toad sage standing atop the tallest roof, the moon framing him nicely as it slowly began its ascent into the night sky.

“Who?” Naruto asked, squinting up at the man and reminding Tsunade just how much Naruto didn’t know about the ninja world.

Something she’d like to keep for just the tiniest while more.

“I’ll tell you later.”  
  


“Tsunade-sama!”

“Kage bunshin no Jutsu!” Tsunade used a single hand to conjure an army of shadow clones who quickly transformed into her companions before fleeing into the night in random directions. The distraction also kicked up enough dust to cover the originals escape as they ran through the streets of the town now thrown into a panic.

“Do you even know where you’re going!” Shizune barked, following close behind.

“Not at all,” Tsunade admitted with a calm ease, “Split up!”

“Hai!”

“Oink!”

They split up into two groups. Tsunade and Naruto, and Shizune and Tonton.

“Mom,” Naruto huffed, “Who was that weird dude?”

“That was Jiraiya, one of my old teammates from my genin days.”

“The pervert or the creepy guy?”

At least something stuck from the few embellished history lessons she had given her.

“The pervert.”  
  
“Gotcha!”

“Gotcha?!”  
  
“Oi!” Naruto came to a halt, pointing at someone.

“Naruto what are you-”

Naruto was quick to pull out a fad wad of cash before chucking it at the person she was talking to. “I’ll throw in another wad if you guys agree to distract a guy with white hair and stupid clothes.”  
  
Coming closer, Tsunade saw that her daughter was talking to some women of the night out on a smoke break.

The women looked at the wad of bills in hand before the leader of the group, at least Tsunade assumed he was with the way she confidently held herself said, “You got it honey.”

“Thanks!” Naruto was quick to throw another wad before grabbing Tsunade’s hand and running off. Tsunade threw them another for good measure and off they sped, dashing around a corner and laying low for a bit while they listened to what was happening in the street.

“Oi, Ossan, wanna come and play? Free of charge!”

* * *

Seven streets, two blocks, some questionable alleyways, and one sewer system later, the mother and daughter duo met up at the rendezvous point with the rest of their party.

“Oi Shizune-nee!” Naruto happily greeted running towards Shizune and wrapping her arms around her sister figure. Tonton was unusually quiet and subdued while Shizune returned the hug a bit perplexed. It was only a second later that Tsunade realized something was off.

“Naruto! Tsunade-sama!”

“Hmm?” Naruto looked up at Shizune in mild confusion, “When did you learn ventriloquism?”

When Tsunade realized that neither Shizune and Tonton had their bags of cash, did she finally pinpoint where the voice had come from. Her eyes moved over to where Shizune was being restrained by Konoha Anbu.

“I’m sorry, Tsunade-sama.”

“Naruto!” Tsunade now understood the situation fully, reaching a hand out too little too late to get her daughter away from the ninja disguised as Shizune. Forced to watch as her daughter was quickly restrained on the ground by not Shizune. Who dropped the disguise to reveal the anbu underneath.

“Sorry about this, Tsunade-sama.”

_The hell is going on!_

* * *

The group of women were led through one of the hotels in the town they were staying in, and Tsunade’s mind was whirling with what exactly she did to garner this big an operation to bring her in. Surely if it was important, Hiruzen would have just sent a letter…

Then again, she’d probably toss it after glossing over who sent it.

“He’ll want to see you first.” One of the anbu directing them informed her, opening the door to the nondescript room for her to enter.

The room was empty, and that wasn’t to say it was vacant, but that the furniture was missing.

The only thing that was in the room was a single small table with a simple tea set on it. It had two chairs, one of which was currently occupied.

“Ah, Tsunade, have a seat.” Her old teacher, wearing his Hokage garb waved his hand towards the empty seat, heavily implying that she should join him.

“Sensei,” She greeted with a nod, pulling her chair in while waiting for her old master to begin.

“I’m sure you have questions.” He said with a raise of his eyebrows, pouring the steaming liquid from the pot into the two cups before him.

“You could say that.” She retorted diplomatically, picking up her cup to stare into the murky liquid.

They remained like that, neither willing to be the first to speak or make a move. Tsunade with her cup of tea, holding it in one hand while she eyed her old teacher. Hiruzen who gazed down thoughtfully at the table, a look of deep concentration as he refused to make eye contact.

There was a deep sigh from the withered old man who seemed to age an entire century with that one gesture. “A little over a year ago, you came to me about a mistake you made, now it’s time for me to return the favor.”

“What do you-”

The old man slowly held up his hand, a simple gesture that carried far too much weight with it.

“Let me start from the beginning by asking you a question,” He licked his lips while looking at some distant point behind Tsunade. “Why did you give Naruto **that** name?”

Tsunade leaned back, completely unprepared for such an odd question.

“Truthfully,” She watched her pensive reflection in the green liquid trapped in the ceramic vessel, “I was talking out of my ass and it was the first thing to come to mind.”

“Why?”

A small strike of irritation that she hid behind a calm inhale of air, “I was at a ramen stand.”  
  


“You named your daughter after a fish topping?”  
  


“You gonna tell me why her name is important now?” She averted the question.

Now it was Hiruzen’s turn to take a deep breath, “Eventually…” He stalled while he tried to find the right words, “but first, let me ask you another question.”  
  


“Why can’t you just-”

He held up his hand.

“What do you know about the Kyuubi attack?”

“I know that the beast escaped and that many lives were lost, including the yondaime who sealed the beast.”

Hiruzen nodded at her brief assessment.

“Indeed, my successor succeeded at sealing the nine tails within a child, a child I failed to protect in more ways than one.” He told her cryptically.

“What-”

“Despite my best efforts and intentions, the villagers, stricken by grief and pent up rage, focused their hatred on the child. Choosing to believe that they were the kyuubi and not it’s jailor. This was my first mistake, my second was sending them away for their own safety.”

A sinking feeling began to grow in the pit of Tsunade's stomach.

“You’re not implying-”

Another heavy hand.

“I had hoped that a single, unnoteworthy, shinobi on a simple escort mission would go unnoticed by any malicious parties in Konoha. An escort mission to take your jinchuriki to Jiraiya for safety and training.” Tsunade’s fingers twitched unconsciously as she felt her old mentor barely restrained Killing Intent. “So imagine my fury and surprise when I find out the shinobi, my shinobi, who was entrusted with a mission of utmost importance, not only failed to complete his mission, but did so in a way that could not be construed as anyway but traitorous.”

The cup had no chance of averting its fate as Hiruzen destroyed it without reservation, the still full contents of it spilling all over the table and the Hokage’s robes.

Tsunade let Hiruzen compose himself from his understandable outburst. Taking the chance to compose herself as well as the amount of information coming at her was about to drown her in its implications.

“Do you still remember the casino you were in on that fateful day you encountered Naruto?”

“Hotsprings, The Lucky Duck.” She silently begged every deity she could recall, even that abhorrent Jashin, that Hiruzen wouldn’t confirm the ludicrous suspicion.

He was silent, completely still and statuesque.

The was air stifling as it threatened to swallow them both.

Hiruzen was solemn while Tsunade was on the brink of tears and hysteria, only a few short steps from committing treason and going on the run as a fugitive from her old home if it meant she could avert the terrible fate of her daughter.

Her precious baby girl that she had raised practically from birth and given all the love she could offer and more.

“Tsunade,”  
  


“No!”

“Tsunade!”

“No!” She stood up, sending the table toppling to the floor. “Do you have any idea how crazy this all sounds, how completely ridiculous this entire thing comes across as?”

Hiruzen remained silent and Tsunade didn’t care if there was an entire battalion of Anbu waiting for her on the other side of the door. She didn’t care if she had to kill her friend and master if it meant ensuring her daughter’s safety and freedom.

“I mean,” She laughed, hysterical, tears falling freely as reality slowly sunk in despite her vehemont efforts to deny it. “She can shoot bones from her hand and is growing horns from her head, there’s no way she can be Minato’s and Kushina’s daughter. No way!” Her brain was drawing the comparisons between the two fallen shinobi despite her wishing it didn’t.

“We’ve already checked her medical records and found them to be a strong match, we only need to-”

“No.” Tsunade denied him, cutting her mentor and superior off with one defiant word. “I am her guardian and I refuse to let you use her for- for- for some political game. I’m not going to let her become some pawn for a village that was already so against her as an infant that they’d be willing to go so far as kill her then, just to return. I don’t care if you drag me back but she is-”

“Tsunade.”

That one word, not commanding or angry. It didn’t come across as patronizing or coldly stoic. It was laced with pity and understanding.

But nonetheless, it might as well have been a blade right to her own heart as she dropped to the ground in defeat.

Her vision became clouded with even more tears as the understanding that no matter what she did, she would never be enough on her own to keep Naruto out of Konoha’s conniving hands. Even if she ran to another village and pledged her loyalty, she’d only be trading one leashed collar for another.

She felt numb, cold and unfeeling as her world sunk to black. The frail old arms that took her limp form and surrounded her in guilty sorrow and regret failed to register at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So not the happiest of endings but I felt like there could be no other proper way of doing it.
> 
> We'll meet again,  
> Don't know where,  
> Don't know when!  
> But I know we'll meet again  
> Some sunny day!
> 
> In actual news, I'm probably gonna take a break to catch up on my other fics, but I do have a brief one shot based on some ideas from this fic that will be in no way related to these events or future ones but will be just a fun five chapter off shoot, purely crack.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably at the bottom of my fics to update but I'll try my best in between motivations.
> 
> If you've actually read to this point in the fic, thanks for reading, you get - a digital cookie!
> 
> And if those questions in the summary have been burning you up inside, allow me to assuage your itching nerves and blazing desires:
> 
> \- No, Shizune is doing most of the work, Tsunade is the good cop that spoils Naruto.  
> \- No, Tsunade is not the best of role models and it is a miracle that poor Naru-chan made it to the age of three without suffering from alcohol poisoning.  
> \- Absolutely not, she's too busy raising two children and taking care of a pig, but a girl can dream.  
> \- Tonton does have ninja training, Tonton did have access to Hokage sealed files, and we can't not prove that Tonton is the one giving orders!
> 
> This also might be the first in a series but no guarantee on that.


End file.
